Thursday, September 22, 2011

Why Rick Perry Ought not Consult the Bible on Foreign Policy: 3 Events God Wish He Had Back

When discussing Obama's foreign policy regarding the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Rick "Straight Outta Nazareth" Perry took a direct stance regarding where his loyalties lie. He said, "As a Christian, I have a clear direct to support Israel..." In 2009, he also asserted, "My faith requires me to support Israel." Although at face value these statements seem benign, God doesn't have the best track record when it comes to foreign policy. Here are 3 time periods God might have considered trying over (don't know why he didn't if he's outside of spacetime, Michael J. Fox did and he can't even drink hot tea) when directing his "chosen people."

3. Egypt

Although the details are a little shady and non-Biblical sources don't really support the account of the Hebrew Bible concerning Hebrew enslavement in Egypt, apparently the Jews hung out there for a while. It started off pretty standard, the Notorious G.O.D. starved his people with famine so they had to migrate to Egypt. After they were there for a while the Egyptians were like, "Hey wtf?" so they enslaved the Jews. After the Jews hung out and built some shit (probably not) or did the Egyptians' accounting or something, God decided it was time for a change of plans. Here comes Moses all high and mighty with his beard bringing a bunch of plagues so that the Pharaoh would "Oh, Oh let his people go, na na." Finally, after Pharaoh was like "You must be trippin'" God was like, "Hide ya kids, hide ya wife" and sent an angel to kill all the firstborn sons of those that didn't put the blood of the sheep they just fucked over the doorway (they were Welsh Jews). Ironically, this is eerily similar to what Herod would eventually do when he heard about the possible birth of Jesus, like creation like Creator, I guess. Well it all turned out good for the Jews that "chose" to be protected. Well, not really, they spent the next 40 years wandering in the desert after they escaped and had to feed on magic bread that sprouted out of the ground (mushrooms, dumbasses).

2. Babylon

There were these crazy smart astrologically inclined dudes that sat around and smoked pot, until one day they decided that everyone else sucked and needed to be conquered (pot makes you violent, just watch Reefer Madness). So they saw some Jews and started throwing rocks at them which was standard in that time. Judah was conquered, the Temple was destroyed, and the Babylonians adopted the Arizona laws and exiled most of the Jews. Apparently it wasn't so bad though, because when the Persian, Cyrus "the Virus" The Great started snappin' necks and cashin' checks he allowed the Jews to leave and rebuild the Temple, but most stayed put.

1. Alexander the Great

Alexander the Great wasn't great because he was large, or menacing, or intimidating, it is because he renamed the civilized world "My Bitch." Now, the Jews had a history of either fighting back or taking it up the ass. When Alexander came marchin' in, they bent over faster than a Marcus Bachmann client. Fortunately, Alexander loved a good butt fuck as much as the next man, so he allowed the Jews to be autonomous as long as they paid taxes. Like a woman trying to justify staying in an abusive relationship just glad she doesn't have to explain her black eyes at work, they took it to the next level and named all of the children born the next year "Alexander" (I told you this dude was a BAMF). After Alexander died, Ptolemy and Seleucus got into a border dispute that ended up ravaging the Jewish community, but I think they'd gotten used to it by now. It wasn't the fact that they were overtaken by Alexander that is so peculiar, but rather the fact despite being favored by God, they weren't naming any of their first-born children "Godathan" or anything.

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