Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Hypochristians and "Truth"

Truths, although perspectively relative to certain sections of the population, are most certainly not. For something to be considered a truth, scientifically, is almost unheard of as it has to withstand the scrutiny of peer-review and constant challenge. Sometimes what we thought was true is only so contextually. What we know about the Bible and the times in which is it was written aren't unequivocal as its own content is where we draw most accounts of its setting (especially among Christians). So, when someone says something is "true" in God's Word or by what Jesus said (in today's Bible) we can easily determine the accuracy of the statement. What's "true" is that in Leviticus homosexuality is listed as an abomination. Now Hebrew translation can contest what "abomination" meant as it likely meant mere a violation of sacrificial law, but nonetheless, other abominations in the same book include: wearing cloth of more than one fabric, letting to two types of cattle graze together, planting two types of crop in the same field, eating shellfish, eating pork, cutting your hair or beard, and many more. In addition, Leviticus also recognizes that you must put to death whoever curses her father or mother, put adulterers to death, ostracize the woman and whoever she has sex with on her period, stone priests' daughters who are whores (without providing a working definition), prevent the blind and lame from approaching the altar of God, put to death whoever curses God (Oh God, I know I've done that one), among others. Now if I just gave you a bunch of good ideas, you aren't getting the point.

At this stage you're probably saying to yourself, that was old Mosaic law, that wasn't Jesus, who fulfilled the covenant. Okay. However, by that logic, then homosexuality shouldn't be disparaged today, either. I was sifting through all that Jesus said about homosexuality (and abortion for that matter) and found that....wait, nevermind, there isn't anything. That's right, if homosexuality was such a profound issue (as there were just as many homosexuals per capita in his day as there are today), why wasn't it ever mentioned? The "truth" is, I'd question the sexuality of anyone who asks his male friends if they love him more than once and if he had 12 guys follow him around incessantly, but wasn't on a rugby team, I'd maybe delve a little deeper. Another matter that is most certainly true is that homosexuality isn't a "choice." Unless of course that is you wake up every morning and make the conscience choice to continue to be sexually attracted to the opposite sex, or do you? That actually sounds kind of gay, Herman Cain. Another thing that's true is that marriage pre-dates Christianity and historically has been a status of ownership and alliance, not a holy union between man and a woman. Christians didn't even start marrying until many years after the religion's sparse cult beginnings until its eventual consolidation by a converted secularist who may have had a political agenda in keeping the empire "praying together and staying together." Thus, a Christian's notion of "traditional marriage" isn't even rooted in "truth" either.

What we've determined is that Christians don't follow the "truth" of the Bible. They often clamor about it then stifle any chance of it being ascertained, whether it be through objective inquiry or self-reflection. Why do Christians disobey all these other, equally weighted laws of the New and Old Testament, but hold on to the gay thing? Religion is just a ratification of the social conscience. If you hate homsexuals and want to withold their rights, it's not because Jesus told you so (because he didn't), it's because you're a bigot and are looking for means to justification. As the moral Zeitgeist continues to evolve, there will come a time when Christianity is still distributed throughout, but homosexuality isn't denigrated. That time isn't far away. You are all on the wrong side of history.

So why boycott Chick-Fil-A? Well, assuming Christians are still predominately Republican because that's the way they vote, let's just say Chick-Fil-A offers a service we don't necessarily agree with so we're deciding to eat elsewhere and let capitalism do its bidding-- as we have every right to do so. As do all of you have the right to stand in long queues to get their product and support their political views when KFC is across the street, multinational, and twice as good. It's funny though, I've never seen lines of Christians at a soup kitchen to volunteer or outside of the City Council meeting trying to lobby for the poor...and Jesus actually did mention those things. A lot. I also believe he said a thing or two about hypocrites.





Monday, June 11, 2012

The Dominion Covenant Church on a Kayser Roll

I usually stay as far away from campus as I can during the  summer months, but I stepped foot onto what I expected to be a barren collection of sleepy buildings with overachievers clamoring to each other about differential calculus or the correct interpretation of Smith’s “invisible hand” while summer student workers gently gossip about interest rates doubling on their loans--not because they’re viscerally concerned, but complaining about the economy helps to break up the monotony of going through the motions as you await whatever special you found on Omahanightlife.com. But that’s not at all what I saw. While I admit there were a few tumbleweeds rolling across my path and I’m relatively certain I saw Sam Elliot with a mug of sarsaparilla in the cafeteria, what I saw was a collection of eager minds being led around campus. Maybe not necessarily eager for the perceptively rigorous (although in reality meager) schedule of a first-year student, but alive with a kind of momentum and lacking the general fatigue I see in myself and my peers.  An impressionable, but invulnerable force is the open-mind of a student. After this I experienced elation with education that had escaped me for much of my collegiate tenure. A hope for the future, reason and learning, the powers that have overcome every exploitative regime in the short written history of our immense universe seemed endless and abundant.

That endorphin-laden idealistic Parthenon built in my neurochemistry was soon reduced to being used to serve Greek yoghurt with a note that says “please return container.” This campus, this place, this solace for reason, cogent argument, sound discussion, and tolerance would soon host the dogmatic regression and institutionalized hatred of Senior Pastor of Dominion Covenant Church, Philip Kayser.

It seems that every presidential candidate in recent years has had a controversial preacher haunting their trail. Not necessarily because he or she blurred the line between Church and State, but rather the line between moderate and fundamental extremist. Palin had a Kenyan witch hunter, Obama had Reverend Wright, Rick Perry had Robert Jeffries and Rick Santorum had, well, himself. Fundamentalism is only perpetuated under the publicly disapproving, yet privately validating hand of the moderate. There is no distinction in principle, only in practice. While Ron Paul supporters were posting in the YouTube comments section, the what should have been a momentous event for the Christian far-right as a Reverend who ironically both supports “Promoting and enjoying the dominion of King Jesus over every area of life” and  restructuring society on principles that will not be satisfied “until our views on education, politics, arts, business, family, evangelism, journalism and every other area of life are claimed for Jesus and founded on the Bible” and a libertarian candidate went largely unnoticed. This, of course, because soon after touting the endorsement of radical Reverend Kayser, notation of the endorsement was removed from Paul’s website.  The final straw was not in this biblical jihadist mindset, but rather Kayser’s publicly candid stance on homosexuality which surpasses even that of “gays cause natural disasters” Pam Olsen or “gays cause horrible acting” Kirk Cameron. Even “gays are barbarians that need to be educated” from Marcus Bachmann (who really just meant gays are gladiators in the sack) is a hand-woven basket of kittens floating down a slow stream and landing on the bank of Elysium compared to the stance of Philip Kayser.

In a quote: “Difficulty in implementing Biblical law does not make non-Biblical penology just. But as we have seen, while many homosexuals would be executed, the threat of capital punishment can be restorative. Biblical law would recognize as a matter of justice that even if this law could be enforced today, homosexuals could not be prosecuted for something that was done before.”

Ladies and gentleman, you heard that right. Hide yo’ kids, Hide yo’ wife, cause Kayser’s snatchin’ yo’ people up. I wouldn’t bat an eyelash at this sort of activity going on within the confines of some Harold Camping cult meeting, but every Sunday, our silence and indifferent consent allows his sort of hatred to be spewed at the William H. Thompson Alumni Center near the University of Nebraska-Omaha campus.

 Let’s avoid the discussion on the separation of Church and State. Let’s avoid the discussion on whether you’re audacious enough to believe your anterior insula knows more about biology than hundreds of years of science culminating in the conclusion of homosexuality being the farthest thing from a “choice” (unless you’re in a frat, but it’s straight if you don’t make eye contact). Let’s even avoid wasting our time bickering about whether two people of the same sex partaking in an act over a billion years old and ubiquitous throughout the animal kingdom  is threatening an institution that already has a 50% failure rate. Instead let’s put aside our differences on this one issue of sadistic mania infiltrating our public institutions and indoctrinating children into a culture of hate under the guise of God or Allah or Carl Sagan’s love.

Think for a moment. You hear there is a Muslim resistance movement holding weekly meetings on campus. In the meeting, they advocate the killing of “infidels” to finally establish a supreme Muslim world. The difference between this scenario and what’s going on at the Alumni Center is… nothing. There is no difference, but you’d better believe if that were the case Tom Short and the local Tea Partyers would ride their Medicare scooters filled up with gas from their social security collection to wave their tiny little flags that say “We Support The Troops” like not sending them to get murdered in combat never could. It would never be allowed.

As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “In the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” This detracts from that quote only in that this isn’t laissez-faire homophobia like in the Michigan bullying laws, this is the direct advocacy of executing a group of people in the imposition of religious agenda. Anyone who lives in Nebraska knows that Omaha is different than the rest of the state. I wouldn’t dare say “better,” but definitely more progressive. Although both Lincoln and Omaha passed anti-discrimination measures, Governor Heineman wants to put the protection of gays up for popular vote. In other words, have a majority vote on the fate of a minority. What would have happened if women’s suffrage or interracial marriage waited on popular vote?

So let’s be that radiant house on a hill. Let’s stop the maintenance of hatred under the pretense of religious freedom and come together with a message of hope, love, and understanding—aren’t those humanist causes that we can agree on despite differences in religious ideology?

 So e-mail Chancellor John Christensen.

Office Telephone: 402.554.2311

Fax: 402.554.3555

 E-mail CEO of the Alumni Association Lee Denker. 

Telephone: 402.554.2851

Email: ldenker@unoalumni.org

End this hate.

Monday, March 26, 2012

48 Things You Didn't Know About Easter

1.       Male rabbits are called “bucks.”

2.       All female rabbits are whores.

3.       Rabbits are not rodents, they’re actually lagomorphs.

4.       We’ll still pretty sure Steve Buschemi is a lemur, which is also not a rodent.

5.       Many of the Christian traditions surrounding Easter, such as Good Friday and the Resurrection, are derived from earlier pagan rituals, most notably involving cults of the god Attis around 200 B.C. in ancient Rome. In areas in which both cults of Attis and early Christians were later geographically located, there were disputes over each other’s god’s authenticity.

6.       Kirk Cameron edited the last fact out of the Wikipedia page for Easter.

7.       Jesus was likely crucified on a post. The idea of a cross had not gained popularity until around 300 years after his death.

8.       Jesus would have made a fantastic “A” in the YMCA music video.

9.       Mel Gibson has a knife to my throat.

10.   Jesus was the true Son of God, Allah is a total sham, and the Holocaust was a fairy tale dreamed up by greedy Jewish bastards to pocket compensatory damages.

11.   Mel Gibson is gone.

12.   63% of Americans would like to receive a chocolate Easter Bunny.

13.   100% of them probably shouldn’t.

14.   The world’s largest bag of jelly beans weighs over 6,000 lbs., or half the circumference of Chris Christie’s stomach divided by the number of times Terrell Owens has used the word “we” in lbs.

15.   Many Neopagans celebrate the Spring Equinox by lighting fires and jumping over them to ensure fertility.

16.   Republicans practice this ritual through birth control restriction.

17.   Liz Jones has been cast to play Stretch Armstrong later this year.

18.   The word “Easter” most likely comes from the goddess of the Saxons of Northern Europe, Eostre. Her name was derived from “eastre” which meant “spring.” However, many Mediterranean religions also had similar names for the Mother goddess.

19.   The word “Sunday” was most likely either derived from the Scandinavian Sun goddess, Sunna, or the Roman god of the Sun, Sol.

20.   Jesus’s mother Mary was impregnated by the Holy Spirit to a cover of the track “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. He cleverly replaced “Mandy” with Mary’s name in his rendition.

21.   As part of the Trinity, Jesus is also the Father and the Holy Spirit – three in one.

22.   Holy shit, that means Jesus fucked his mom.

23.   Bunnies purr, similarly to kittens.

24.   Fuck cats.

25.   Adult rabbits can be as small as 2 lbs.

26.   Fuck midgets.

27.   Rabbits are unable to vomit.

28.   (showing rabbit “Two Girls One Cup”)

29.   Rabbits can literally be scared to death.

30.   (showing rabbit my lucky rabbit’s foot)

31.   Easter marks the end of Lent, or a 40-day period people publicly pronounce discontinuing a vice in their life while continuing to do said activity in private.

32.   Ashe Wednesday celebrates the illustrious career of one of the first publically accepted black athletes, Arthur Ashe. He was a point guard for the Knicks.

33.   Bar soap just doesn’t feel right in public showers.

34.   Contrary to many of the depictions in the West, Jesus was inevitably dark-skinned due to the region he was conceived (immaculately). However, due to the birth certificate found by Sheriff Joe Arpaio, evidence does seem to suggest Jesus was an American.

35.   The first chocolate eggs were produced in Europe in the 19th century by geese that later migrated to the U.S. and started the hipster movement.

36.   Since that day I pass on the sugar and sweeten my coffee with aspartame just to spite the bastards.

37.   The American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has recognized over 45 different species of rabbits.

38.   Nobody in the American Rabbit Breeder’s Association has seen a human vagina.

39.   Turning bread and wine into flesh and blood is perfectly plausible and happens every Sunday. It’s also not creepy at all that it’s later ingested.

40.   The Pope appeared on Christmas morning wearing Ron Paul’s gold reserves.

41.   No, they don’t actually let the homeless people sleep inside the million-dollar buildings.

42.   The First Council of Mencia in 325 A.D. determined Easter would fall on the first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon.

43.   They probably copied that from another council.

44.   In Scandinavia, some businesses give employees nearly a full week off for Easter break. I imagine they spend this time having hot, dirty sex with Americans visiting Scandinavia over Easter (fingers crossed).

45.   Duran, Duran spent a week living with a pack of grey wolves and hunting rabbits while preparing the track “Hungry Like The Wolf.”

46.   Oscar Wilde was referring to convincing a herd of rabbits his dick was a carrot by “the love that dare not speak its name.”

47.   Kids’ favorite color of jelly bean is red.

48.   Kids should know it was because they whined about which candy they got that their parents were divorced and they need to be frequently reminded in the event that they forget and retain some sort of self-confidence.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Why I'm an Atheist

Why am I an atheist? I always regarded this as sort of a whimsical inquiry. Before responding, I usually prompt the questioner to answer why he or she is a Christian, Muslim, Jew, etc. Why I am an atheist isn’t all that exciting, it’s not due to some atrocity after which I abandoned god. It’s not because I grew up in Finland, Sweden, or Japan – all highly industrialized countries with much less inequality than the U.S., better healthcare than the U.S., higher quality of life than the U.S.,  less crime than the U.S., and consequently less religion than the U.S.  People are often interrogated as to how they could possibly deny the existence of an omnipotent, omniscient deity.  If I had been asked, “Why are you a Christian?” 5 years ago, I’d probably feed you a line about how I’ve read the Bible and believe it to be true as it has had real impact in my life and I have a personal relationship with Jesus. However, is that really true, or some regurgitated drivel I listened to every Sunday? I don’t remember ever having a conversation with god in which he answered me. However, shouldn’t I have come to expect that? If everything is predestined, if god knows what I’ll do before it happens and his Will is going to be done no matter what, why would I expect my prayers to have an effect?

 So why are you religious? Could it be because your parents were? Could it because you were indoctrinated by culture? If you had grown up in Iran would you still be a Christian? If you were raised in the Bible Belt would you still believe Allah was true god? How audacious of you to believe out of all of the thousands of religions ever developed that only yours was correct! Do you ever wonder if god is timeless why your religion wasn’t the first to come into being? Does that mean all religions are indeed true, but just with different names and stories? I’m sure you probably don’t believe that, so are you ready to accept that if only one is true, you should expect damnation because of the vast numbers? If you objectively take a quest into the origins or your religious belief and affiliation, it’s likely to generate some stimulating self-monologue.

 Although in the current state of faith in the world and this country atheism is the idiosyncratic, aberrant position, it should be very clear why someone is an atheist. Deviance does not always presuppose radicalism. When the heliocentric universe was proposed by Copernicus, he was undoubtedly deviant, but the beginning of the death of our egocentrism was by no means radical, it was rational. Believing someone who loves you will damn you to hell for not worshipping them, being so arrogant as to believe your life is so important that it survives death or as Einstein put it, "feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotisms.", restricting the rights of women, homosexuals, and sexual liberality because of an interpretation of a book that is thousands of years old before we had any real knowledge about biology, chemistry, and physics—and if you’ve actually read it we had no sense of morality either—are all the drastic positions.

 Unwavering faith is not something that should be valued, but discouraged. As Nietszche put it, “One walk through a mental institution proves that faith means nothing.” There are two types of belief: faith and hope. Religion is based on blind faith – disregarding scientific advancement, logic, and fact for the sake of the perpetuation of the belief system. Science is built on hope in theory. These theories often leave the “believer” humble as they are in a constant state of revision and scrutiny. Religion thrives in the gaps of science. The problem with religion is those gaps are rapidly disappearing with our innovation. I simply believe that enough gaps have already been filled to disregard the concept of messiahs, creators, parthenogenesis and life after death. One of the things that irritates me most is the notion that science somehow has the task of and consciously tries to disprove religion. Science does what every rational being should do. It disregards religion. Science is unbiased; it has no dogma to appease to, only to ascertain truth. If your belief system is not in consonance with scientific findings, the burden lies with your religion, not with science. Do you ever wonder why in nearly every religion nothing is more insidious than the human acquisition of knowledge? Why were Adam and Eve condemned for trying to learn? Why are women kept from books in many Islamic areas? If we were created with this perennial drive to understand, why is it condemned by our creator? Is it frightening that this same glorified ignorance was what allowed imperialism and abuse to flourish?  Education has been the Achilles heel of every exploitative regime in history.  So in a sentence, I am an atheist because I yearn for truth.  Okay, one more. I am an atheist because not only is religion improbable, but also rather than easing suffering it has caused more than any other ideology in the world’s history, which is not hard to believe considering it flourishes in regions where suffering is highest. How could you possibly pledge allegiance to a belief system whose perpetuation relies on the concept of evil and the world’s ultimate destruction at our hands? Is there hope in that? The more you know, the more you come to know: The world is unquestionably becoming a better place to live in as time progresses. This completely undermines scripture. So why does religion flourish in areas where agony and discontent are ubiquitous?

 “God is the concept by which we measure our pain.” – John Lennon

Saturday, March 24, 2012


          According to a Christian who I’m sure doesn’t allow his religious affiliation to infringe upon his commitment to academic and intellectual honesty, Francis Collins, the director of the National Institute of Health, one of the most convincing pieces of evidence in the divinity of Jesus was that he professed being God, while nobody else in all of history made that claim. Well, that’d be true if it were, but it’s not. Francis Collins was too busy trying to explain transubstantiation through quantum mechanics and looking at shiny things in store windows to give me an interview; I’ll do my best to try to reconcile his statement with historical accuracy.

                                  I reckon I want some French fried potaters

Christianity has been renowned in this country for protecting scientific progress and technological evolution--excuse me, technological creation—to provide plausible explanations for historically infallible events such as 9 million species-sailboat rides and crazy, drunken wedding reception tricks. It goes without saying that Christianity has been THE leader in unequivocal fact-finding like the love child of Sir Isaac Newton and Indiana Jones, but only if it wasn’t gay. I’d have mentioned a male and woman, but women don’t necessarily have the best track record when it comes to the acquisition of knowledge in the Bible. Not to point fingers at any three-letter named biblical characters. Whore.

            So what was Collins talking about?  Collins really meant that everyone who’s ever claimed to be God was actually Jesus! As I’m sure Mr. Collins has a variety of different acronyms after his name, we’d do best to fully accept everything he says and not ask any questions to avoid being enveloped by his highly sophisticated “smart guy” biblical jargon--using terms like “predestination” and “no, it’s only gay if we make eye contact.”

Mainstream Christians don’t typically consider David Koresh or Sai Baba Gods, so taking their word for it, there must be a difference between those claiming to be God today, and those in the past. Wait! That’s it! As time progresses, the “Jesusiness” of those claiming to be God is diluted! Maybe the Jesus of the Bible isn’t the Roger Moore of being Jesus. The Gods today are just less Jesusy! There’s only so much Jesus that can go around, you know. After all, he did only feed 5,000 and what are the odds they’d end up with an even 5 grand?

So the only rational conclusion we can draw is that time is like Jesus Kryptonite. Since the dawn of time, Jesuses have been endowed with a set of attributes separating them from the rest of mankind, which we’ll now refer to as the Prerequisite Repertoire of Every Truly Essential Necessity in a Deity, or PRETEND.  Here it is illustrated in a chart:


It’s clearly displayed that the PRETEND of each Jesus decreases as a function of time. This clears up any confusion over the contestation of the divinity of some of the newer Messiahs, like with Koresh. As Collins eloquently stated, David Koresh, professing his own divinity, must truly be God in human form. However, because of his late appearance in the Jesus timeline, his PRETEND was so low that it’s no wonder many Christians were as unconvinced as with obvious liberal ploys to facilitate eugenics and abortion like global warming and the female orgasm.

Even if Koresh did have a little Jesus in him, the problem we had with him is ubiquitous in Jesusic history. We keep fucking killing our Jesuses! From the first parthenogenic conception, we’ve had an uncanny and at times morbidly creative ability to cunt punt any old chap with a Chuck Darwin beard and the heart of a Hugh Grant. He’s just the type of guy you know tells you you’re beautiful after you do it.  

So what do we do? Well, to form the most comprehensive understanding of PRETEND, we have to look throughout history and find the oldest, boldest, turn-the-other-cheekiest son-of-a-bitch we can. Even before the biblical Jesus. With our ability to notice PRETEND, we can spot the next Jesus in our midst before we seal our fates like Marie Antoinette when she didn’t send that spooky Hotmail forward to 10 of her friends.

3. Zoroaster

Zoroaster lived between 6000 BC and 100 BC and like the biblical Jesus, had a beard that rivaled basically anyone who died in the Skynyrd crash. In addition to being immaculately conceived, being baptized in a river, beginning his ministry at age 30, curing the sick and healing the blind and all those insignificant details, he also dropped the –aster and had a short career as a vigilante, inspiring the Zoro franchise. Pretty Jesusy, but we can find more PRETEND.

                                        Can’t you see? What that woman Lord, she been doin’ to me?

2. Attis of Phrygia

Around 200 B.C. the story of Attis appeared: Attis was purportedly born of a virgin on December 25th.  He was slain for the benefit of mankind and his followers ate his body. He was both the divine Father and Son and was crucified on a tree on “Black Friday.” We can look past the fact he was a tree-hugger because apparently his blood ran down to redeem the entire earth. On top of all that he looks like Robin Hood and that makes me smile.  Early Christians often quarreled with Attis’s followers about the authenticity of their Jesus…. If they had only known.

                                    I just can’t be bothered with anything on Arbor Day

1. Horus

Will the Real Slim Jesus please stand up? Born of the virgin Isis. Boom. Begotten Son of the God Osiris. Boom. Birth in a manger and soon after birth an attempt on his life was made by Herut (sounds like Herod, right?). There is a gap in his history from ages 12-30 after which he was baptized by a guy who would later be beheaded. He did all the walk on water/cast out demons typical Jesus act, but what separates Horus from the rest of the pack was that he was worshipped well over 3,000 years before Jesus was born and he totally ran interference on this guy Set who was trying to blow his load on him and threw his semen in the river. Then, in a just fucking totally Jesus move, he came all over Set’s fav. food, lettuce, to exert his dominance over him and because he also thought vegans were douchebags.

                                         Popularized the mascot head before Lee Corso was even born

Now that we have a Jesus prototype, we have all the tools we need to recognize the next Jesus before it’s too late. But until that time, we must do as Edmond Dantes instructed, “Hope and wait….and vote Rick Santorum.”

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Jesus: God of the Gaps


Science. Religion. Graduated cylinders. Chalices. There has long been a war waged between scientists and the religious right in America about the other keeping its greasy fingers in its own respective field.  In what ways is science applicable to religious experience, if at all? As Sam Harris believes, is religion merely a “failed science?” Does God really not play with dice, or did he just misuse his time on the 6th day in Vegas, resulting in gross negligence in the Creation that he would eventually have to damn the majority of to eternal torture in hell…because…he loves them? These battles are merely misinterpretations of scientific theory and data. Religion and technology are not at ends! Was it not Jesus that said, “Be off you brood of snipers!” while playing Modern Warfare 3? Was it not Jesus that demonstrated the Casimir effect in walking on water? Was it not Jesus who got a little crazy one night with his buddy Lazarus after watching Flatliners in exorcist school?

There is plenty of room for Jesus in science because science is still filled with gaps. Sure, you can throw a theory into a gap to temporarily satisfy yourself, but self-satisfaction sounds a lot like masturbation, so don’t. As we traverse the scientific landscape, we become more and more cognizant of the need for Jesus. The gaps are ugly holes. Holes that need to be filled with substance, not abstract theory. Holes that need to be filled with Jesus. What gaps do I speak of? Well, here are a few.

1.       Hidden variables

Entangled particles are capable of some pretty whacky shit. We know that entangled particles seem to be able communicate instantaneously, so that when you measure the spin of one, the other is simultaneously spun in the opposite direction (spin anti-correlation). This communication violates the universal speed limit of light, leaving two possibilities: the concept of locality is flawed, or there is some sort of hidden variable, such as Einstein proposed. A variable we have no knowledge of. A variable we’ve never seen. A variable we feel is there in our hearts. A variable called Jesus.

2.       Origin of the Universe

Because only speculate what propagated the Big Bang at this point, we can’t be positively certain about the events that led to the beginning of our Universe. Was it some intersection between branes? Are we part of a multiverse, born of a parent universe? Does the principle of natural selection apply to the Universe? Is time infinite, but the Universe ends in a Big Crunch, restarting the entire process and giving credence to the ideology of eternal recurrence? Or was Jesus playing baseball in the cosmos and created a singularity when making contact with the baseball…sending the Universe on a course of expansion…FOR..EEVVEE..ERRR!

3.       Dark Energy

~95% of matter and energy in our Universe is not normal energy-matter at all; it is dark matter and energy. At this point they these “dark” substances are merely hypothetical and we are yet to determine their exact roles in universal expansion and cohesion. Sounds like something Satan would cook up to me! Who is he in a constant cosmic battle with again? Oh yeah, Jesus!

4.       Placebo Effect

The placebo effect refers to the phenomena of statistically significant changes in a study participant even when they were not administered the active substance. How can someone show an improvement in symptoms of a disease when given a sugar pill? Sounds like Jesus is in control to me!

5.       Cancer

Sure the body has natural mechanisms for preventing unrestricted cell division, but sometimes these processes go awry. Why does this happen? What is tumor-necrosis factor? What are carcinogens? Who cares! There’s something more insidious happening here! Jesus punishes you for smoking! Don’t do it! You got prostate cancer for fucking that hooker! Stop!

6.       Epilepsy

Epilepsy is a phenomenon when a person goes into wild seizures for no apparent reason. Has to be a demon! Jesus cast out demons! Jesus!

7.       Schizophrenia

That guy keeps talking to himself! He says he doesn’t have control over his thoughts and actions! Drill a hole in his head! Let the demons out! Jesus!

8.       Crop Failure

I had a bad harvest this year. There’s going to be a famine in our village! She’s a witch! She cursed my crops! Send her to hell! Jesus!

9.       Malaria

Little kids all over are dying. Jesus loves the little children! Jesus hates malaria! Malaria is from Satan! Fuck you malaria! Go Jesus! Pray! Your artesunate is useless against them!

The human propensity to predict its environment has led to some pretty outlandish claims until science has successfully debunked them. Gaps in science are no more living rooms for Jesus than are rumors of miracles. Just as pandemics, mental disorders, and tragedies of all classes have been given religious significance, the same happens today. Can you not see the trend? Never have these pseudo-scientific fallacies stood the test and rigorous scrutiny that is the scientific method. Using the mystery of certain fields such as quantum mechanics to explain religious dogma is as irresponsible as using the supernatural to explain observed phenomena. Ultimately, if you believe in an omnipotent god, whether you believe the Bible to be allegorical and scientific theory to be valid is irrelevant. You still believe that there is a cosmic being with control over every quark, present in quantum foam, controlling matter. Therefore, either by negligence or allocation, this deity or force is the source of all of these ailments and mysteries, whether you accept the science behind them or not.

Chances are, you’ve never built a cell phone and most of your explanations as to how one can type a few numbers on a screen in New York and converse with a friend in L.A., as if he or she were right in front of you, would be left wanting. However, I doubt you can find many Christians that still believe Jesus sends a carrier pigeon with a microphone across the country.

I think it’s a safe assumption to say that many of you don’t fully grasp the concept of sending an e-mail to the other side of the world in seconds, and even as you most likely Google the process after you finish reading this, you’ll still be trusting the explanation of someone much more qualified than you on the subject.

Perhaps the millions that were killed by false theories based on religious dogma would have wished their society would have waited for the smart people to figure shit out.
a good old fashioned wake and bake

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Putting the X back in X-mas - 5 Reasons Why Chuck Xavier is a More Likely Candidate For the Savior

Fox News released a recent poll citing that 51% of Americans prefer 'Merry Christmas' to 'Happy Holidays' in advertising. Even fewer Americans favor 'No Fat Chicks' which is down even among college students. Now, none of this could have anything to do with demographic statistics released in 2008 revealing 76% of Americans professed Christianity as their religion I'm sure.

The funny thing is, Happy Holidays is actually a much more accurate greeting considering Christmas wasn't even a national holiday until 1870 and that Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and the New Year also fall around the same time as Christmas. Not to mention that literally every Christmas tradition is derived from pagan traditions accompanying the winter solstice---explained in full in: Pagan origins of Christmas.

The holidays, sorry I mean Christmasdays, are a time of perpetual annoyance to me. Among the Christmas cards, family photos, secret Santas, shitty, impersonal, mandatory gift giving, and Gheorghe Muresan socks that people shove trinkets in, I'd have to say that the worst has to be the constant reminder to "put the Christ back in Christmas!"

Now, the prompting to use "Christ" instead of "X" as a prefix for "-mas" isn't only annoying because X represents the Greek letter "Chi" which is the first letter of the word for "Christ," but also because I have a particular aversion to "Jesusing up" X-mas. Is it because I'm an atheist? Well, maybe a little bit, but let's be honest, Christmas traditions are far removed from a religious essence. We aren't re-enacting the slaughter of thousands of babies like Herod to commemorate the birth of our Savior.
The real reason that I'm so opposed to using the word "Christ" to celebrate my holidays is because......

"Frogive them, Xavier, for they know not what they do"

I truly believe Professor Charles Francis Xavier is a more likely candidate for the Messiah.

Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Isaiah 7:14: He will be born of a virgin.

Well, if I've learned anything from spending the first 22 years of my life undercover as a geek who lives in his mom's basement, it's that we comic nerds don't get laid a lot. By "we" I obviously just mean my undercover alter-ego, not me. I get laid all the time.. like every day.. by girls and stuff with boobs. Anyway, it's perfectly plausible Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were virgins at Xavier's conception. Equally likely Kirby died a virgin and Lee remains a virgin to this day. So next time you're down in the dumps for not being Rico Suave because of your action figure collection, remember, not having consensual sex with the opposite gender is a tradition rooted in the fulfillment of Messianic prophecies.

2. Isaiah 35:5-6: He will perform many miracles.

You guys remember when Jesus telepathically communicated with alien races, learned martial arts, or got an array of different doctorates? Oh, me neither. Not only could he do all of that, but all while being handicapped(apable). Perhaps Professor X's greatest accomplishment was challenging the notion that paraplegics and the elderly can't contribute anything to society other than improving infrastructure with mandatory sidewalk ramps and advertising Life Alert. While Jesus was showing off all high and mighty walking on a lake, X was behind the scenes, wheeling through obstacles and doing ollies on Magneto's evil plans. Chuck Xavier did more with 4 wheels than Jesus did with 2 funcioning legs and 2 interdeminsional alter-egos with an interesting Oedipus complex.

3. Psalm 41:9: He will be betrayed by a friend. 

Moira Kinross is a total bitch. Why may you ask? Well she broke off her engagement with Chuckie X while he was in Asia and then married some asshole named Joseph MacTaggert (not the time guy) and spent her nights playing "Ike and Tina Turner." Even though betrayed by this trollop, he still "turned the other wheel" and became lifelong friends with Moira until her untimely, but well-deserved death. There's not much you can say about the abounding benevolence and compassion that Charles exudes. Accepting Professor X into your heart is like accepting a lifelong meals on wheels plan if undercooked Salisbury steak was love and cold mashed potatoes were understanding.

4. Isaiah 40:3: A man in the wilderness will prepare the way for him. 

Biblical scholars maintain that John the Baptist was a character configured from many attributes of Beast. The "Magilla Gorilla," one of the original X-men, paved the way for human-mutant alliances and was at the forefront in advocating for mutant rights. I believe it was Beast that said, "He must become greater, I must have hairy breasts."

5. Psalm 35:5: He will heal the blind. 

Da Vinci said, "There are three classes of people: those who see, those who see when they are shown, and those who cannot see."

Professor X has the ability to manipulate the minds of his enemies and constituents alike for basically whatever purpose he feels like (he totally gets laid more than his virgin creators). He once trained a bunch of mutants how to fight and train in unison in a short period of time while they perceived going through many months of training. Contrarily, he can also interrupt thought processes and cause permanent amnesia. Needless to say, he didn't need to purchase much rufilin in college. So when something particularly insidious plagues his followers, instead of copping out and pleading "part of my myterious will," Chuck reveals his divine purpose.
Charles has always been in charge. All around us, telepathically conveying words of wisdom, wheeling out grace and compassion, putting his feet down on his foot rests to protest intolerance, and not leaving the seat up in the handicapped stall. One only needs to look into his heart and find who has always been there... since 1963.