Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Putting the X back in X-mas - 5 Reasons Why Chuck Xavier is a More Likely Candidate For the Savior

Fox News released a recent poll citing that 51% of Americans prefer 'Merry Christmas' to 'Happy Holidays' in advertising. Even fewer Americans favor 'No Fat Chicks' which is down even among college students. Now, none of this could have anything to do with demographic statistics released in 2008 revealing 76% of Americans professed Christianity as their religion I'm sure.

The funny thing is, Happy Holidays is actually a much more accurate greeting considering Christmas wasn't even a national holiday until 1870 and that Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and the New Year also fall around the same time as Christmas. Not to mention that literally every Christmas tradition is derived from pagan traditions accompanying the winter solstice---explained in full in: Pagan origins of Christmas.

The holidays, sorry I mean Christmasdays, are a time of perpetual annoyance to me. Among the Christmas cards, family photos, secret Santas, shitty, impersonal, mandatory gift giving, and Gheorghe Muresan socks that people shove trinkets in, I'd have to say that the worst has to be the constant reminder to "put the Christ back in Christmas!"

Now, the prompting to use "Christ" instead of "X" as a prefix for "-mas" isn't only annoying because X represents the Greek letter "Chi" which is the first letter of the word for "Christ," but also because I have a particular aversion to "Jesusing up" X-mas. Is it because I'm an atheist? Well, maybe a little bit, but let's be honest, Christmas traditions are far removed from a religious essence. We aren't re-enacting the slaughter of thousands of babies like Herod to commemorate the birth of our Savior.
The real reason that I'm so opposed to using the word "Christ" to celebrate my holidays is because......

"Frogive them, Xavier, for they know not what they do"

I truly believe Professor Charles Francis Xavier is a more likely candidate for the Messiah.

Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Isaiah 7:14: He will be born of a virgin.

Well, if I've learned anything from spending the first 22 years of my life undercover as a geek who lives in his mom's basement, it's that we comic nerds don't get laid a lot. By "we" I obviously just mean my undercover alter-ego, not me. I get laid all the time.. like every day.. by girls and stuff with boobs. Anyway, it's perfectly plausible Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were virgins at Xavier's conception. Equally likely Kirby died a virgin and Lee remains a virgin to this day. So next time you're down in the dumps for not being Rico Suave because of your action figure collection, remember, not having consensual sex with the opposite gender is a tradition rooted in the fulfillment of Messianic prophecies.

2. Isaiah 35:5-6: He will perform many miracles.

You guys remember when Jesus telepathically communicated with alien races, learned martial arts, or got an array of different doctorates? Oh, me neither. Not only could he do all of that, but all while being handicapped(apable). Perhaps Professor X's greatest accomplishment was challenging the notion that paraplegics and the elderly can't contribute anything to society other than improving infrastructure with mandatory sidewalk ramps and advertising Life Alert. While Jesus was showing off all high and mighty walking on a lake, X was behind the scenes, wheeling through obstacles and doing ollies on Magneto's evil plans. Chuck Xavier did more with 4 wheels than Jesus did with 2 funcioning legs and 2 interdeminsional alter-egos with an interesting Oedipus complex.

3. Psalm 41:9: He will be betrayed by a friend. 

Moira Kinross is a total bitch. Why may you ask? Well she broke off her engagement with Chuckie X while he was in Asia and then married some asshole named Joseph MacTaggert (not the time guy) and spent her nights playing "Ike and Tina Turner." Even though betrayed by this trollop, he still "turned the other wheel" and became lifelong friends with Moira until her untimely, but well-deserved death. There's not much you can say about the abounding benevolence and compassion that Charles exudes. Accepting Professor X into your heart is like accepting a lifelong meals on wheels plan if undercooked Salisbury steak was love and cold mashed potatoes were understanding.

4. Isaiah 40:3: A man in the wilderness will prepare the way for him. 

Biblical scholars maintain that John the Baptist was a character configured from many attributes of Beast. The "Magilla Gorilla," one of the original X-men, paved the way for human-mutant alliances and was at the forefront in advocating for mutant rights. I believe it was Beast that said, "He must become greater, I must have hairy breasts."

5. Psalm 35:5: He will heal the blind. 

Da Vinci said, "There are three classes of people: those who see, those who see when they are shown, and those who cannot see."

Professor X has the ability to manipulate the minds of his enemies and constituents alike for basically whatever purpose he feels like (he totally gets laid more than his virgin creators). He once trained a bunch of mutants how to fight and train in unison in a short period of time while they perceived going through many months of training. Contrarily, he can also interrupt thought processes and cause permanent amnesia. Needless to say, he didn't need to purchase much rufilin in college. So when something particularly insidious plagues his followers, instead of copping out and pleading "part of my myterious will," Chuck reveals his divine purpose.
Charles has always been in charge. All around us, telepathically conveying words of wisdom, wheeling out grace and compassion, putting his feet down on his foot rests to protest intolerance, and not leaving the seat up in the handicapped stall. One only needs to look into his heart and find who has always been there... since 1963.

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