Thursday, December 8, 2011

The 2011 Reprisal of the Apostle's Creed


I believe in God(s),
the Father Almighty,
the Ty Pennington of Heaven and Earth,
and in Jesus Christ his son, father, subordinate, superior, and equal,
who was conceived of the consolidation of many different early Christian cults and Mediterranean polytheistic deities,
born of the Emperor Constantine,
suffered under the interpretation and translation of thousands of scribes,
was crucified, died, and the events that followed are disputable based upon the four separate Gospels, their numerous conflicting copies, and the quotation of Aramaic in Greek and translation into my native tongue,
he descended into hell--or the place he lovingly sends you regardless of your morality if you don't profess faith in him,
on the third day,
he rose again from the dead to spend several shitty movies avoiding Ving Rhames,
he ascended into heaven assuming heaven is a cosmological body outside of our solar system--likely in a quasar,
and is seated at the right hand of the father, who is also his son, and himself,
from there he will come to judge those that wear corduroy, Wal-mart polos, and Crocs,
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
The chronic molestation by the Catholic Church,
The Communion of Transubstantiated blood that totally isn't creepy to drink,
The forgiveness of sins that don't involve Islam,
The Resurrection of the Mel Gibson,
and life everlasting where being comfortable in my poverty and consumerism will pay off.
No men.

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