According to a Christian who I’m sure doesn’t allow his religious affiliation to infringe upon his commitment to academic and intellectual honesty, Francis Collins, the director of the National Institute of Health, one of the most convincing pieces of evidence in the divinity of Jesus was that he professed being God, while nobody else in all of history made that claim. Well, that’d be true if it were, but it’s not. Francis Collins was too busy trying to explain transubstantiation through quantum mechanics and looking at shiny things in store windows to give me an interview; I’ll do my best to try to reconcile his statement with historical accuracy.
Christianity has been renowned in this country for protecting scientific progress and technological evolution--excuse me, technological creation—to provide plausible explanations for historically infallible events such as 9 million species-sailboat rides and crazy, drunken wedding reception tricks. It goes without saying that Christianity has been THE leader in unequivocal fact-finding like the love child of Sir Isaac Newton and Indiana Jones, but only if it wasn’t gay. I’d have mentioned a male and woman, but women don’t necessarily have the best track record when it comes to the acquisition of knowledge in the Bible. Not to point fingers at any three-letter named biblical characters. Whore.
So what was Collins talking about? Collins really meant that everyone who’s ever claimed to be God was actually Jesus! As I’m sure Mr. Collins has a variety of different acronyms after his name, we’d do best to fully accept everything he says and not ask any questions to avoid being enveloped by his highly sophisticated “smart guy” biblical jargon--using terms like “predestination” and “no, it’s only gay if we make eye contact.”
Mainstream Christians don’t typically consider David Koresh or Sai Baba Gods, so taking their word for it, there must be a difference between those claiming to be God today, and those in the past. Wait! That’s it! As time progresses, the “Jesusiness” of those claiming to be God is diluted! Maybe the Jesus of the Bible isn’t the Roger Moore of being Jesus. The Gods today are just less Jesusy! There’s only so much Jesus that can go around, you know. After all, he did only feed 5,000 and what are the odds they’d end up with an even 5 grand?
So the only rational conclusion we can draw is that time is like Jesus Kryptonite. Since the dawn of time, Jesuses have been endowed with a set of attributes separating them from the rest of mankind, which we’ll now refer to as the Prerequisite Repertoire of Every Truly Essential Necessity in a Deity, or PRETEND. Here it is illustrated in a chart:
It’s clearly displayed that the PRETEND of each Jesus decreases as a function of time. This clears up any confusion over the contestation of the divinity of some of the newer Messiahs, like with Koresh. As Collins eloquently stated, David Koresh, professing his own divinity, must truly be God in human form. However, because of his late appearance in the Jesus timeline, his PRETEND was so low that it’s no wonder many Christians were as unconvinced as with obvious liberal ploys to facilitate eugenics and abortion like global warming and the female orgasm.
Even if Koresh did have a little Jesus in him, the problem we had with him is ubiquitous in Jesusic history. We keep fucking killing our Jesuses! From the first parthenogenic conception, we’ve had an uncanny and at times morbidly creative ability to cunt punt any old chap with a Chuck Darwin beard and the heart of a Hugh Grant. He’s just the type of guy you know tells you you’re beautiful after you do it.
So what do we do? Well, to form the most comprehensive understanding of PRETEND, we have to look throughout history and find the oldest, boldest, turn-the-other-cheekiest son-of-a-bitch we can. Even before the biblical Jesus. With our ability to notice PRETEND, we can spot the next Jesus in our midst before we seal our fates like Marie Antoinette when she didn’t send that spooky Hotmail forward to 10 of her friends.
3. Zoroaster
Zoroaster lived between 6000 BC and 100 BC and like the biblical Jesus, had a beard that rivaled basically anyone who died in the Skynyrd crash. In addition to being immaculately conceived, being baptized in a river, beginning his ministry at age 30, curing the sick and healing the blind and all those insignificant details, he also dropped the –aster and had a short career as a vigilante, inspiring the Zoro franchise. Pretty Jesusy, but we can find more PRETEND.
Can’t you see? What that woman Lord, she been doin’ to me?
2. Attis of Phrygia
Around 200 B.C. the story of Attis appeared: Attis was purportedly born of a virgin on December 25th. He was slain for the benefit of mankind and his followers ate his body. He was both the divine Father and Son and was crucified on a tree on “Black Friday.” We can look past the fact he was a tree-hugger because apparently his blood ran down to redeem the entire earth. On top of all that he looks like Robin Hood and that makes me smile. Early Christians often quarreled with Attis’s followers about the authenticity of their Jesus…. If they had only known.
1. Horus
Will the Real Slim Jesus please stand up? Born of the virgin Isis. Boom. Begotten Son of the God Osiris. Boom. Birth in a manger and soon after birth an attempt on his life was made by Herut (sounds like Herod, right?). There is a gap in his history from ages 12-30 after which he was baptized by a guy who would later be beheaded. He did all the walk on water/cast out demons typical Jesus act, but what separates Horus from the rest of the pack was that he was worshipped well over 3,000 years before Jesus was born and he totally ran interference on this guy Set who was trying to blow his load on him and threw his semen in the river. Then, in a just fucking totally Jesus move, he came all over Set’s fav. food, lettuce, to exert his dominance over him and because he also thought vegans were douchebags.
Popularized the mascot head before Lee Corso was even born
Now that we have a Jesus prototype, we have all the tools we need to recognize the next Jesus before it’s too late. But until that time, we must do as Edmond Dantes instructed, “Hope and wait….and vote Rick Santorum.”
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