Tuesday, September 20, 2011

3 Craziest Creation Myths/Stories/Explanations

When I was browsing the net trying to find the funniest stories of the Creation of the Universe so I could relentlessly mock the intelligence of the proprietors and think to myself their parents didn't love them because they were so stupid (run-on to say the least), I constantly came across the use of the term "myth." Not to be outdone by my brethren, I googled the word:

a traditional or legendary story, usually concerning some being or hero or event, with or without a determinable basis of fact or a natural explanation, especially one that is concerned with deities or demigods and explains some practice, rite, or phenomenon of nature.
I thought that was kind of interesting, but then it got a little hazy for me (the weed didn't help). If there is no determinable basis of fact or natural explanation, who determines what is then merely a legendary or traditional story from what is an accepted story, in particular when referring to Creation? Well, obviously culture does. Ralph "Where's" Waldo Emerson said, "The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next." When looked at objectively, if someone presented 5 different stories of the creation of the world: 4 from previous cultures and 1 from the accepted Christian explanation of the Creation of the Universe, could an unbiased subject determine which would be the most logical and accepted? I have my doubts.
Unfortunately, a less teleological explanation isn't any fun to talk about. I mean who cares about quantum fluctuations, quasars, black holes, supernovas, entropy--those are all other words I'd be required to look up and I just refuse to do so. So here are some kooky, spooky, and down right douchebaggy Creation stories:
3. Adam and Eve
Young Earth Creationists and Christians that literally interpret the Bible as God-breathed, dick-down-your-throat truth have taken it upon themselves to take humanity back to the Bronze Age with the belief that the Universe is indeed not 13.7 billion years old, but rather about 5-10,000 years in its current state. Now, you'd think the rejection of essentially all scientific consensus, the fact tools were being fashioned around 1.2 million years ago, there is 10,000 year old coral, abundance of early hominids, the Göbekli Tepe is around 11,000 years old, would all be radical. However, roughly half of America pledges allegiance to Young Earth Creationism. Today. In 2011. No I'm not fucking with you. If you exclude all of the self-proclaimed Christians with a cross right under their barb-wire tat who've never really given any thought into what they believe, but sure love telling you that you should, the total drops down to like 4%. Excluding child molesters, down to 2%. The last 2% are former Branch Davidians and scientists that couldn't pass Physics 101 so joined the seminary.
Despite the fact that this myth is highly improbable due its inability to explain, well, basically all of history before 10,000 years ago and evidence of evolution, the actual story is even more batshittier.

When I was younger, the idea of an explosion of gaseous exchange and subsequent planet formation just wasn't a fulfilling explanation of the origin of the Universe. Unfortunately, I believed that an old guy with an axe on a cloud screaming "Off with their heads!" whenever one of his created beings disobeyed his unwritten orders was sufficient. The Christian story of Creation is in no way unique. It is similar to Near Eastern Creation stories, but for the purpose of this post, we'll not get into the details right now.

2. Atum the Creator

Egyptian creation stories weren't entirely conclusive. There were different explanations associated with different gods, and for the most part, the Egyptians just wanted to figure out the their place in the world, in particular the cosmos.

Basically the story of Atum starts with a swirling chaos of nothingness or somethingness-depending on how you interpret beingness. Atum being the bad Mamma Jamma that he was, created Himself out of his "thoughts"----MIND FREAK! He was basically the Higgs Boson. No but really, this is story quickly turns into some quantum nonlocal, spacetime defying bullshit. He, who was not, still had the mental capacity to create himself with the thoughts he didn't have. While you wrap your heads around that shit, I'll move on. So Atum didn't have a place to stand, so where he wanted to stand he created a hill. How the fuck he even knew what a hill was is beyond me, but this is the same guy who created himself with his thoughts like fucking David Blaine so I'm not gonna ask too many questions.

This is where shit heats up. Now Atum is often referred to as the great "He-She" because it was a bisexual. I originally thought I accidentally clicked on the Rupaul Wikipedia page. It clearly becomes apparent that our ancestors were gender-confused, because kind of like God having sex with his mom to have his Son that was also him while his mom remained a virgin, they sort of just concluded that Atum was the created source because he had sex with himself and shit just happened. From someone who personally has manual sex with himself, I can say creating a Universe is a highly unlikely outcome. Unless you count the mound of crusty hand towels next to my bed.

But wait, he wanted more gods. So he mated with his shadow (apparently that is where I've gotten confused in trying to create universes through masturbation---hands are a no-no). Blah, blah, blah so he spit out his son then vomited out his daughter......what? What kind of patriarchal bullshit is this? He vomited out his daughter? We still haven't even established if this guy has digestive organs and he's throwing shit up? Well anyway, the kids get lost in the waters, Atum takes out his eye to find them, he does, he cries, men sprout up from the tears, everyone's happy, then they do what humans do best, murderface each other.

3. Popul Vuh

Due to the coming of the end of b'ak'tun 13, everyone is obsessed with the Mayans (although some scholars believe the calendar ended a couple hundred years ago). People love doomsday theories because having to do shit sucks, and if death is imminent, work really isn't necessary. That's why Harold Camping got so many people to follow him despite the fact he looked like Dumbo if his ears got shot up with Viagra. I swear the SETI program should get a hold of those things, they could pick up radio waves from virtually anywhere in the universe. Anyway, I doubt so many people would take the Mayans so seriously if they really had any knowledge of their belief in the creation.

So the first father, who had some goofy Mayan name, was walking towards the mouth of a cave. These real mean underworld god's who just got their cars repossessed got together and invite him to come play some hoops. He goes down there (apparently wasn't very bright) where the gods snip off his dome. The Mayans, obviously not very familiar with anatomy or physiology (as if the Christian Creation story falls within the constraints of science), believed that one of the daughters of the gods walked up and like Al Snow was like, "What up, head?" So the head spits on her and of course that knocks her up. So she then gives birth to the Hero Twins.

Now these guys grow up to be underworld party-crashing, little baby seal stomping, sodomizing you with ears of corn badasses. Think if Kevin Sorbo had babies with Starla from Napoleon Dynamite, badass. So naturally they want to seek revenge against the gods who killed their salivary father. They challenge them to a game, kick their asses, then perform some necromancy on each other. So the gods want in. Instead of bringing the gods back to live, however, they bring Papa Head back from the Dead (rhyme). So the father's alive, they head up, he grabs an ear of corn, the Hero Twins become the Sun and Moon, and the dad becomes the God of Corn. Which didn't come up again until he was mentioned as "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" in Children of the Corn. The rest is history and corn has randomly appeared in our shit ever since.


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