Friday, September 16, 2011

Conservative Jesus - 10 changes in Biblical History

Conservatives fucking love Jesus. Michele Bachmann mentions "God" more than the pope and Rick Perry even held a prayer rally to ask for mercy for the direction of this country (to no avail as made apparent by God igniting Texas--I'm sure Perry is blaming the "flamers", though). Conservatives love Jesus like Nancy Grace loves hearing there's a new dead white girl to make her relevant.

I've always wondered about the association between conservatism and Christianity. "Conservative Christian" always seemed like an oxymoron to me. I mean, I don't think Jesus would support any war, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't advocate cutting entitlement programs to pay for tax cuts for the rich, last time I checked he didn't take a hard stance on homosexuality, and I doubt he'd revoke social liberties considering he turned some water into Jungle Juice or whatever at that wedding. It becomes pretty clear that the only thing conservatism and Christianity have in is blind allegiance to dogmatic beliefs completely void of corroborating evidence.

It all makes one wonder what it would be like if Jesus really was a Conservative. What would he have been like? Would he drown puppies? Here are 10 things that would have changed about Jesus if he was a Conservative.

1. Jesus cured the sick and healed the lame. If it was covered by their insurance policy.

2. Jesus turned water into wine. Then sold the patent to a pharmaceutical company and they sold it to children as an anxiolytic. 

3. Jesus told Zaccheus, "Get down from that tree and give half of everything you own to Goldman Sachs..... and punch a baby seal."

4. After being arrested by Roman soldiers, Jesus raised an army to rape and pillage nearby cities.

5. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for if they think they're going to get something sweet once they die they won't oppose their exploitation in this one." And also, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for we'll treat them like the children of Pakistan."

6. Jesus loved the little children, but not enough to prevent him from cutting out the music program in public schools to pay for the war against non-believers.

7. When Jesus fed the 5,000 he gave all of the food to the richest 5 followers and expected it to trickle down to the rest.

8. Jesus preached that faith was like a mustard seed. Because you can make a shit ton of money off of both if you sell them to peasants.

9. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. After gaining notoriety, he privatized faith healing so he and his disciples could get new H2's (I think they're that old.)

10. Jesus told his disciples, "Take up your cross and follow me." Followed by, "On my cue, drop that shit and shoot some fuckin' Muslims."

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