Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Homosexuality: Of Christians and Science (Pt. 1)

Everyone knows about the big, bad homosexuals. Stealing our kids' lunch money, committing crimes in the inner cities, stealing our spots on the basketball team, and infiltrating the US presidency with aspirations of socialism. Wait, no that's the other demographic Republicans are afraid of. In any matter, as jobs and the economy increasingly become an issue, Conservatives naturally find homosexuality increasingly offensive and thanks to the likes of the FAMiLY LEADER and gems like the Bachmann family, again we digress into an abyss of pesudoreligious banter that effectively distracts us while the ruling oligarchy ironically sticks the long dick of capitalism in our asses and like your asshole stepfather convinces you it would be unpatriotic to protest in any form. Your stepfather was a Vietnam vet by the way.

So what is the big fucking deal in the first place?

As Michele Bachmann has stated on same-sex marriage: "This is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that." So why does homosexuality take precedence over 40,000 dead in a Mexican Drug War, over 200,000 yearly deaths in America from medical errors, 450,000 yearly deaths in America from tobacco, Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan, 27,000 to 55,000 deaths attributed to correct use of Vioxx after studies were admittedly faked to get the FDA to approve it, soaring unemployment, national deficit, 15 million children dying yearly from hunger related causes, increasingly high rates of obesity and preventable death in the United States, AND shitty movies adapted from comic books? Well, other than the fact Michele Bachmann is an idiot and is at the reading level of Toby Keith (only uses crayons), it's because people don't understand it. Like all good Americans, we get our amygdalas firing whenever we are ignorant of anything, regardless of how benign it is. Michele Bachmann has admitted to not being aware of the science of homosexuality, but what she does know is that a bunch of old guys (who thousands of years ago somehow were privy to more information than the most advanced scientists of our time) put in this book of stories that homosexuality is BAD!

So let's be honest. I was a Christian for a long time and every time I tried to justify my faith, something goofy would come along that would completely refute it. This is when the Christians chime in and tell me I'm a victim of intelligence, I didn't let Jesus into my heart completely and surrender myself, I was caught up in worldly things. I then tell them I'm not a big fan of zombies or genocide. So, my justification of homosexuality is completely void of a religious component. Unfortunately, 76% of the United States identify themselves as Christian and don't trust any scientific explanation (who likes evidence and facts?) so I would first like to address the issue of homosexuality from a Christian perspective. Yes, yes, you can keep your ark built by a junkie, burning bushes, plagues, imprinted shrouds, vacations inside of whale stomachs, and incestual beginnings and still not hate people that dress better than you.

Fab Five (U.S. TABLOIDS OUT) The 'Fab Five', cast of 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy', accept the award for Biggest Gay Hero on stage at VH1's Big In 2003 Awards on November 20, 2003 at Universal City in Los Angeles, California.  VH1's Big in 2003 Awards will air in the U.S. on Sunday, November 30 at 9:00pm pst/et and will air in the U.K. on Friday, December 5 at 2100hrs.

I'm not even asking you to address the fact that most of your New Testament were forgeries, your book was assembled by a Roman Emperor with aspirations of assembling a state religion for political unification, most all of the stories are adaptations from pagan religions, that the the wisest king God looked upon with favor had 700 wives and 300 concubines but pre-marital sex is wrong, or even that God is as jealous and moody as a pubescent thirteen year old girl going through her emo stage.

So how can homosexuality be justifiable in the Bible? First off, what I'm writing is addressed much more thoroughly and articulately in the documentary "For The Bible Tells Me So."
 For The Bible Tells Me So - Trailer

 What about Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis?

Well the political climate of the time in Sodom and Gomorrah was fishy. As any good American would, God sent in some troops to stabilize the situation and murderball some assholes. So Lot's uncle, Abraham, put together a posse of God-fearing heteros to free the "cities of the plain" from Elam. If there's one thing God loves more than his people, it's killing them. I digress. Anyway God tells Abraham he's going to Hiroshima Sodom and Gomorrah because their sins were so horrific. Abraham, knowing his nephew Lot was camped out there, talks God town to sparing Sodom if there were 10 righteous people there. There wasn't (Chapel Hill?). Now this next part of the story is where it gets very interesting and explains the use of homosexuality as a weapon in the OT. 3 angels show up at Lot's crib, but he just thinks they are travelers, so they chill and watch the Knicks game. However, the men of the city get word of this and bang on the door saying they want to "know them" in reference to the travelers. By "know them" they mean "Kobe Bryant" them. Well, Lot, the gentleman that he was, offers two virgin females to the mob instead. The mob, not being card-carrying Muslims, reject the offer and say they're going to huff, and puff, and knock down the door to rape Lot and his guests. The angels strike down the mob with blindness (the mob probably masturbated and went blind) and Lot escapes, his woman gets mineralized, and the insantiy continues.

What we can learn from this is that Sodom was in a state of political and social anarchy at the time. Death was imminent at any moment, and the people established their own heiarchy in response. Much like a prison, homosexuality was used as a tool for dominance, not consenusal relationship. I don't recall the mob knocking on Lot's door screaming, "Hey man, let's go out to dinner and make out," it was more like "Hey man, I'm going to rape you." You can quickly see why homosexuality, just like frivilous heterosexuality, would have been condemned as it often involved rape.

And we move to the verses that were "Most likely to be quoted by Christians" in the Bible yearbook:

This what is recorded in Leviticus chapters 18 and 20:

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.  (Leviticus 18:22 KJV)
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. (Leviticus 20:13 KJV)

Now neither of these verses address lesbians, just supporting that 1. The Bible was written by a patriarchal society and 2. Those that wrote the Bible have been never to a county fair concert and seen two lesbians that look like Chris Christie with long hair and less teeth playing tonsil hockey. Don't worry though, in Romans Paul (or what was attributed to Paul) takes care of it.

 I addressed in my previous post: 5 Things in the Bible more unnatural than homosexuality that if you do indeed take all the Bible says as divine and literal, you're going to have to address some other pretty goofy laws written in the same text as that which condemns homosexuality, particularly in Leviticus: don't wear clothes made from more than one fabric (100% cotton only), if a priest's daughter is a whore she must be burnt at the stake, the lame or blind can't go to the altar of God (no wonder Jesus healed the lame), any person who curses his father or mother should be killed (kids and their rock music), etc.

The thing that resonates most strongly with Christians that use these verses to condemn homosexuality is the word "abomination." In our culture, that term is utilized pretty loosely, from describing pedophilia to Yetis. However, as we know, Jewish culture at the time was very different than that of ours today, not to mention the translation isssues from Hebrew, to Greek, to Latin, to Elvish, to English. So what exactly does the term "abomination" mean, and what were some other abominable acts?

The term "abomination" in English represents something that was morally bankrupt, loasome, horrid, and wicked, or "shiqquwts" and "sheqets" in Biblical Hebrew. However, linguists suggest that "abomination" is much more closely related to the Polynesian term "taboo," which describes something that should not be touched, eaten, or was forbidden.

Some other Biblical abominations:

1. sacrifices in sin (Isaiah 66:3) - why hasn't PETA gotten a hold of that one?
2. whoring around (Jeremiah 13:27) - one of the laws I can personally attest to not being followed by Christians
3.  eating shellfish (Leviticus 11:10-12)
4. eating insects that aren't crickets, grasshoppers, or locusts (Leviticus 11:20-23)
5. eating unclean fowl (Leviticus 11:13)
6. touching or eating anything "unclean"  (Leviticus 11:13) - woman on her period, pork, you know, gross stuff

Last time I checked, most Christians didn't eat Kosher, but they single out homosexuality and follow that old Mosaic law. What reason would God have had to call homosexuality an "abomination" and why didn't he want his followers partaking in it? As reiterated from an earlier blog post, a little rationale goes a long way:

1. Jews of the day were all about propogating their bloodline. Remember Onan, who spilled his semen on the ground? Well, God used his death ray on Onan for not shooting his pimp juice in some ho because it was a waste. Homosexual acts aren't the greatest at increasing pregnancies. Abraham didn't get 3 religions and descendants as abundant as the stars in the sky from backdooring his neighbors.

2. When considering male on male, Brokeback Mountain sex, it becomes apparent why homosexuality could have been viewed as "unclean." The vagina is a self-cleaning oven, the anus is a poop bakery. Get it? But "higher chance of spread of disease" and "wrong" aren't the same thing. Last time I checked Christians were big shaking hands, don't they know only 77% of men wash their hands? Timmy the altar boy is just hoping Father Joe is one of those 77%.

3. God wanted his people to emancipate themselves from pagan rituals. God wasn't big on the frivilous sexual culture of the time, that wasn't only tolerant of homosexuality, but encouraged it even if the desire to partake in such acts wasn't there. Many pagan rituals of the time involved sexual acts, not just homosexuality, but again Christian linguists have often masked the Hebrew language to assert that "going after strange flesh" was referring solely to homosexuality when it most certainly wasn't. If you read the Old Testament, God was on a constant mission to keep Jews from reverting back to their pagan roots of fertility rituals and hedonism.

Alright, but this whole homosexuality thing comes up again in Romans, right?

Assuming the Apostle Paul actually wrote Romans, which is up for debate, to take anything he says seriously, you have to ignore his oppression of women:

“Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.” (1 Corinthians 14:34-35)

“A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.” (1 Timothy 2:11-14)

and advocacy of slavery:

Tell slaves to be submissive to their masters and to give satisfaction in every respect; they are not to talk back, not to pilfer, but to show complete and perfect fidelity, so that in everything they may be an ornament to the doctrine of God our Savior. (Titus 2:9-10)

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, in singleness of heart, as you obey Christ; not only while being watched, and in order to please them, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. (Ephesians 6:5-6)

In Romans 1:26-27, Paul writes:  "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was met."

This seems like a pretty cut and dry codemnation of both male and female homosexuality. However, when dissecting the passage, you see Paul uses the words "that which is against nature." Some Christian advocates of same-sex marriage say that this clearly asserts that heterosexual men and women were partaking in homosexual acts against their own nature, such as: rape, incest, familial pedophila, pagan fertility rituals, etc. which was condemned. I personally think Paul was a nutjob. However, homosexuality in all forms is fundamentally unnatural, right? I mean God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! Was he talking about consensual same-sex relationships? Homosexuals are just sinners that have lost their way in a different manner than those that have pre-marital sex, don't honor their father and mother, or cheat on an exam, it's just their cross to bear and overcome by making the cognisant choice to follow Jesus and not give into the ills of the flesh, right? Because if homosexuality was natural, that means it ISN'T against God's will.

Homosexuality is practiced in at the very least 1500 species of animals, 500 of which are extensively studied. If God hated homosexuality so much, why wouldn't his Son ever talk about it and why would a large portion of his Creation partake in something that was "unnatural?"

The next post will address some of the "nature" of homosexuality.

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