Thursday, August 4, 2011

5 Things in the Bible More Unnatural than Homosexuality

Rights of homosexuals have gained ground in recent months with the passage of the marriage law in New York, but religious unreason has again taken its toll and just like an ignorant, scientifically illiterate Lernaean Hydra, whenever one gay couple gets married, three homophobic guys with pitch forks and Leviticus sprout up. In my next blog post I'll be addressing the issue of homosexuality and its justification not only from a scientific perspective, but even from a Christian perspective, completely void of any scientific justification or rationale so it makes sense.

If you've ever talked to a religious nutjob (don't include Kirk Cameron, when I see him I'm speechless) it becomes appallingly apparent their arguments are futile and usually based around 2 claims. 1. Homosexuality is wrong because the Bible says so (you know, that old book god-breathed by an omipotent creator full of forgeries and softcore porn), and 2. Homosexuality is unnatural.

Well, debunking that first argument is much easier than you'd probably think. It just involves gritting your teeth and actually opening this best-seller to read a little bit of it. In Leviticus 18:22, we are told, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

That's a pretty bold claim and seems pretty straightforward. Sorry Dick Simmons, you're going straight to hell, or Canada, or whatever happens. However, what Christians usually fail to note is that "abomination" was referencing a ceremonial law and something that was "forbidden, and unclean" not something that was "going to send you straight to Satan's cabana in Acapulco." If you recall, Jews were forbidden from eating pork, but last time I checked it was just a bunch of fat, pro-lifers getting McGriddles at 10:27 AM.

If you think about it for 10 seconds (something Christians have failed to do on numerous occasions when interpreting their holy book) you could also see why homosexuality would object a ceremonial law and be called "unclean."

 1. Jews of the day were all about propogating their bloodline. Remember Onan, who spilled his semen on the ground? Well, God used his death ray on Onan for not shooting his pimp juice in some ho because it was a waste. Homosexual acts aren't the greatest at increasing pregnancies.

2. When considering male on male, Brokeback Mountain sex, it becomes apparent why homosexuality could have been viewed as "unclean." The vagina is a self-cleaning oven, the anus is a poop bakery. Get it? But "higher chance of spread of disease" and "wrong" aren't the same thing. Last time I checked Christians were big shaking hands, don't they know only 77% of men wash their hands? Timmy the altar boy is just hoping Father Joe is one of those 77%.

Okay so we get that this whole "abomination" business has definitely been taken out of context. But Webster's isn't on the top leading list for the religious because neither Sarah Palin nor Max Lucado wrote it, so what are some other things in Leviticus we need to be looking out for?

Cattle Mixing
Don't let cattle graze with other kinds of Cattle (Leviticus 19:19)  - see segregation is totally cool, it's in the Bible

Don't wear clothes made of more than one fabric (Leviticus 19:19) - especially if hemp is one of those

Any person who curseth his mother or father, must be killed. (Leviticus 20:9) - don't know if that includes Hogwarts students

Mommy Dearest
If a man sleeps with his father's wife... both him and his father's wife is to be put to death. (Leviticus 20:11) - incest is best when Mommy says yes - Oedipus the King

Three-Ways - The Dutch Door Rule
If a man sleeps with his wife and her mother they are all to be burnt to death.  (Leviticus 20:14) - something tells me it would be worth it, though

Sexy Preacher's Daughter
If a priest's daughter is a whore, she is to be burnt at the stake.  (Leviticus 21:9) - look she was hot, I didn't know it would get her killed

People who have flat noses, or is blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God (Leviticus 21:17-18) - Moses seemed kind of lame to me

What about outside of Leviticus?

Religious Tolerance
They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.  (2 Chronicles 15:12-13) - wait, I thought only Muslims were murderous?

 Suppose a man or woman among you, in one of your towns that the LORD your God is giving you, has done evil in the sight of the LORD your God and has violated the covenant by serving other gods or by worshiping the sun, the moon, or any of the forces of heaven, which I have strictly forbidden.  When you hear about it, investigate the matter thoroughly. If it is true that this detestable thing has been done in Israel, then that man or woman must be taken to the gates of the town and stoned to death.  (Deuteronomy 17:2-5) - Ancient Alien theorists watch out

Working on the Sabbath
The LORD then gave these further instructions to Moses: 'Tell the people of Israel to keep my Sabbath day, for the Sabbath is a sign of the covenant between me and you forever.  It helps you to remember that I am the LORD, who makes you holy.  Yes, keep the Sabbath day, for it is holy.  Anyone who desecrates it must die; anyone who works on that day will be cut off from the community.  Work six days only, but the seventh day must be a day of total rest.  I repeat: Because the LORD considers it a holy day, anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death.'  (Exodus 31:12-15) - I'm all for taking a day off, actually

Okay, okay, so there's some pretty wild stuff in the first few books of the Bible. But JEWS wrote that, I mean come on, right? We totally don't have to pay attention to crazy talk like that after Jesus came...well unless that includes homosexuality. Just another example of Christians being ignorant of their own book and cherry-picking text for their own xenophobic and fear-based agenda.

Well even if the Bible may be a little fuzzy in places, homosexuality is totally unnatural. Even the Apostle Paul (whose Epistles were mostly forged) talked about how bad and unnatural homosexuality was in the New Testament!!!! I mean who cares that at least 1500 species have been documented to engage in homosexuality and we even know Bonobos do it for conflict resolution and lions do it for establishing pride alliances (no wonder they hired Elton John for the Lion King). There is just something inherently wrong about homosexuality, that's why it grosses people out so much (unless you're in prison).

Well this is totally out of place but whenever I can do a Marcus Bachmann shout-out, nobody's going to stop me. - study on homophobic men being most aroused by gay porn:

So here are 5 things in the Bible more unnatural than homosexuality:

5. The Wise King Solomon

Well, if you remember King Solomon, he was the son of King David, the guy in that statue with a little dick. If you recall his plight, God told him he could wish for whatever he wanted, but instead of riches, wives, or an H2 he asked for wisdom to lead his people. Because he was so heartset on helping God's people, God hooked him up and he was Oprah rich. Unfortunately, he had the financial sense of MC Hammer and blew most of his dough on building a giant temple--sound familiar Church?

Why was he unnatural? Well despite what your mommy tells you about pre-marital sex and polygamy, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Those numbers could make Wilt Chamberlain blush. This isn't unnatural because he wasn't monogamous, but becuase the guy got more poon than Rasputin. There's no way you could deal with that many wives and not accidently leave the basement door open and trip them down the stairs when you were walking through the hallway. No Bible, you're wrong. It may have felt like he had 700 wives, but Solomon didn't. I'm calling bullshit.

4. Balaam and Spanking Dat Ass

Apparently, Balaam was some mean guy. I'm talking like really mean, like a cross between Hitler and Bill O'Reilly. He tried throwing some curses at God's people, but God ran interefence on that nonsense and shut him down. God would've been the best wingman ever. Anyway, Balaam went to go set out to do his deal against God's will, but his donkey wouldn't go forth. Balaam must not have had his Starbucks because everyone knows when a donkey's being stubborn it's because an angel is in the way. So Balaam starts smackin' that ass like Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

What's so unnatural about this?

Well, apparently the donkey had enough of this whole weird sadistic game Balaam was playing so he's like, "Don't whip me, bro." So they reconcile their differences, Balaam sees the angel, and they all live happily ever after. It's an okay story, but if I wanted to see a talking ass I'd watch Glenn Beck re-runs.

3. Moses and the Burning Bush

So Moses did some pretty standard stuff. Led God's people out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea, made a wicked pot of French Roast, unleashed deadly plagues on Egyptians, whatever. Before all that completely normal and indisputable stuff happened, Moses went up to Mt. Horeb and had a little chat with God.

Come on, there's no way Moses did anything unnatural, right?

Well I'm afraid so readers. When Moses went up to Mt. Horeb, he encountered a burning bush. I'm not talking about the, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" bush. I'm saying there was an actual bush on fire and it was just burning, burning. Well, obviously the bush had something to say. So Moses received the command to tell Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall, or something like that. Either way shit got weird.

2. Samson

Samson, Sampson, Shimson, the guy has more names than Gadaffi. Anyway, during the period where the loving God of the Israelites punished them with genocide and torture in the hands of the Philistines, there was this lady who was told to abstain from alcohol and not let the kids drink. Apparently she wasn't German because she actually accomplished this. She was also told not to let her child cut his hair or shave. God was a big post-The Village Joaquin Phoenix fan.

What was so weird about this?

Well eventually this child, Samson, grew up and had unparalled strength. He as no Hulk Hogan, but he could wrestle lions and destroy entire armies with the hindparts of donkeys. However, despite his unsual strength, he obviously wasn't the sharpest Jew in the Bible. Delilah, his honeybuns, performed some tests to find the source of his strength because the Philistines hired her after having enough of this madness. Samson finally told her that it was all in his hair, and she hired a servant to cut it. After being captured by the Philistines and blinded, Samson prayed for one last feat of strength and tore down an entire temple, killing more in death than he ever did in life.

1. Jesus Rising From the Dead

28 Days Later, I'm happy for you and all, and I'ma let you finish, but The Bible has the best zombie story of ALL TIME YA'LL! Jesus did some wild stuff, in fact, when I'm trying to come up with crazy shenanigans, he's usually the first person I go to. He turned water into wine, raised Lazarus from the dead, walked on water, killed a fig tree, fed 5,000 people with a $10 gift card to Applebee's, and many other amazing things.

Yeah, so Jesus did some unnatural stuff. What was the most unnatural?

Umm...try rising from the dead after 3 days, chumps. Am I the only one that was waiting for Will Smith and his german shepherd to pop out at the end of that story? The guy gets crucified by his dad, betrayed by his friends, locked in a tomb. Why the hell would you want to come back from that? I'm convinced he just left the tomb because he didn't want to put up with the women whining on the 3rd day. Did you catch how Thomas was afraid that Jesus was a ghost, but perfectly cool with the fact he was a zombie? I don't know about you, but if there is a zombie apocalypse, maybe we should start thinking about that Jesus might not be on our side.

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