Pulling a Boehner--Jobs and Income Inequality

I'm so completely disenchanted, annoyed, pissed off, Rush Limbaugh-purple-with-rage at McConnell, Cantor, Ryan, Boehner, Republican primary presidential field, et. al. in their dogmatic devotion to Job Creators. Dum duh nuh nuh! We can't raise taxes on a bunch of people that pay the 2nd lowest corporate tax rate after breaks and loopholes have been accounted for.

What have these Job Creators done with their record profit margins, bailout money, tax breaks, and subsidies? Well Goldman Sachs sent 1,000 jobs to Singapore, Nike paid another 400 children $0.50 an hour in Indonesia, and nobody created a single goddamn thing in August of 2011. Listen, I'm fully aware that anybody who has read anything about anything knows this Tea Party philosophy bullshit doesn't work. I know it, Clinton knows it, Obama knows it, you know it, your wife, your kids, Antoine Dodson fucking knows it. Hell, the GOP and Congress even know it.

I know we all know why the Cantors and Boehners of the world defend the interest of these poor, billion dollar companies ("people" if you're into that Romney rhetoric). Lobbbbyying. Yes. Like you've never heard that before. The GOP has no interest in bettering this country. Do you really think that the richest 0.2% of households in the U.S. would have noticed a 0.5% surtax for $35 billion to save jobs for teachers and first responders? Oh wait, sorry that's the public sector, so that doesn't count. Do you think any millionaires will notice a 0.7% on adjusted gross income over $1 million? We may never even fucking know.

This is the difference between the Tea Party and GOP, "I've got a corporate dildo in my ass moving my mouth up and down like a gay sex puppet" philosopy and the Democrat proposals and American Jobs Act. We have the lowest revenue in 60 years. Corporate profits are sky high, so much so that they're sitting on a couple trillion dollars for shits and gigs. Taxes are lower than under the Republican second coming of Christ, Reagan. Why are there no jobs? Well, unfortunately, the canon of capitalism has never been to create jobs or hand out benefits to workers has it?. It is about unrestricted profit increase. Again. And again. And again. That's why since 2009, 88% of income growth has gone to corporate profits while 1% has gone to workers' wages. That's why 95% of the country is getting poorer every year. That's why 37% of young families in this country are in poverty. That's why in the last 32 years, the top 1% of the country saw after tax income grow by 275% while the bottom 20% saw it grow by a mere 18%. That's why 1% of America controls 40% of the wealth (depending on the interpretation of several statitsics).

The billions of dollars they spend on lobbying each year is why the richest 400 Americans' wealth has nearly quadrupled with their taxes nearly being halved. That's why when the Tea Party has been clamoring about "No new taxes!" they meant for the CEOs of their companies. That's why 1400 millionaires paid no federal income tax last year. That's why 25% of millionaires in this country pay less taxes than middle America. That's why Warren Buffet paid a lower tax rate than his secretary. And finally, that's why we won't see what a measly 5.6% surtax on millionaries would do to fund the entire $447 billion American Jobs Act.

I've said it once, I've said it a million times. At this point in our evolution, we still have these residual Darwinian evolutionary mechanisms to hoard resources and power. By "we" I mean our fellow human beings occupying public office and corporate scum, the least evolved of us all, whose time on this planet is winding down. Capitalism is not necessarily the problem. It works because it is driven by our own competitive nature. However, when it goes unchecked, unregulated, this is what happens. The wealth is held by a few and benefits are not extended to the rest. Trickle down economics is, and will always be a fallacy, created by the rich that have controlled Washington for the last 30 years, preaching this great chain of being, Calvanistic bullshit to keep us down. Pretending  like we don't all drive a Mercedes because we don't try hard enough or it must be God's will. Pelting us with the Beattitudes and patronizing being poor and out of work as a war of attrition in realizing this phantasm we call American Exceptionalism. This is why we are occupying all these cities. Adam Smith's "invisible hand" must have been out whacking off because it never showed up. That's why we needed unions to create our middle class and make sure workers could make enough just to put food on the table and not have to worry if one of their family members got sick without health insurance.

To create jobs, we need incentives for altruism. These people don't do the right thing without reward. That's just the cold, hard, Clint Eastwood stare, truth. $9,600 tax credits for hiring wounded veterans out of work for 6 months or longer. Payroll tax holidays for new hires and worker benefits. Money to rebuild infrastructure. Saving the jobs of teachers and first responders, you know, those people that raise our kids for us and save our asses when we're in a bind without asking for any reciprocation? $4,000 tax credits for hiring the unemployed. Allowing families to refinance mortgages at a lower rate. Tax cuts for working American families. That fucking socialist we have running our country is at it again! What do we do?

These assholes who caused and are now exacerbating this collapse and recession shouldn't be rewarded preemptively and begged, "Oh please, pretty please create some jobs now?" They should be watched like Commies on the turf of the Wolverines and given incentives for doing the right thing, not just for us, but for themselves. I don't recall electing Goldman Sachs, or Chase, or Pfizer.

Out of 21 developed countries, when taking social problems into consideration, the U.S. ranked dead last followed by Portugal and the U.K. in quality of life. All of this spurred by income inequality. If this is the American Dream, when the fuck are we going to wake up?

10 Reasons why Marijuana is better than Jesus

Let's be honest. Jesus is a motherfucker. Jesus=God=Holy Spirit who impregnated Mary, Jesus's mother=Jesus. Jesus is a motherfucker. But that has nothing to do with this post at all, does it? I actually think Jesus was a pretty chill cat, y'know. He sort of ironically reminds me of Tommy Chong mixed with the Dos Equis guy and late John Lennon. However, some pretty un-rad things have been done in he name of Jesus and as Herman Cain recently reinforced, there's a demographic that aligns him with the conservative movement that undermines everything he taught. The God of the Bible on the other hand, Jesus's sidekick, pappy, subordinate, and superior, was kind of a dick. He was just like my last 13-year-old girlfriend. Jealous, you have to call him every day, greedy, gold-digger, if you don't worship him he eternally damns you to torture and combustion. You know, standard 13-year-old girl stuff.

Christians have developed an uncanny ability to ignorantly spew hatred and disgust without reason. I blame Kirk Cameron. In thousands of years of use, marijuana has never been directly linked to any deaths by overdose. Even when adjusted for possible related deaths such as use in car accidents that number is well below 50 in America. This pales in comparison to acetaminophen (Tylenol): ~450, heroin: ~8,000, alcohol: ~75,000, prescription drugs: ~100,000, tobacco: ~450,000, medical mistakes: ~750,000, or seeing Nancy Grace's boob pop out on DWTS: ~27,000,000. 

However, Christian conservatives don't attack any of those other, dramatically more deadly compounds or problems. Well, I want to avoid getting political and into why weed is illegal: originally because it threatened the timber industry, how it today threatens the pharmaceutical, alcohol, and tobacco industries, how there are an array of federal agencies that wouldn't be able to maintain funding without marijuana being illegal, or the mass amount of wealth and influence drug cartels have accrued. However, outside of being illegal, there isn't a logical explanation why conservative Christians directly attack illegal drugs, in particular marijuana, but advocate the use of alcohol in moderation. I assume they're okay with alcohol; Jesus turned water into Four Lokos or something like that.

Evolutionarily, religiosity may very well be a detailed mating strategy that is upset by recreational drug use. This is still hypocritical considering the advocacy of alcohol use, even in religious ceremonies. Especially considering alcohol is associated more with reduced inhibitions and hedonism. I'm not aware of any mainstream religions using psychedelics in rituals, either.....anymore.


Anyway, it becomes apparent that if you want to be a good Christian, you have an ultimatum. You either have to choose drugs or God (although judging by his hair, beard, progressive ideology and those he associated with, I think Jesus may have chosen drugs---if he wasn't  the personification of a sacred mushroom himself). Marijuana is the easiest drug to condemn due to its availability, widespread use, and association with the expansion of the mind and questioning established social constructs. Here are 10 reasons I think you should choose weed over God :

1. Weed burns itself, not you.

2. Weed is a plant that makes you feel good; God makes you feel bad because some chick ate a plant.

3. Millions have been killed under the influence of God, damaging the free market. Millions of Cheetos have been bought under the influence of weed, fueling the capitalist economy.

4. It took God 6 days to create the universe. It takes weed 5 minutes for you to doubt that.

5. For God you have to pick up your cross and follow him. For weed, you roll it into a cross and get twice as high.

6. God encourages you to fast. Weed convinces you that might not be the best idea.

7. To God, Communion is crappy wine and yeastless bread. To weed, it's a 40 and a box of Dunkaroos.

8. God tells you to clothe the homeless. Weed goes the extra step and can actually be made into clothes for the homeless.

9. God condemns your sins, including pre-marital sex, homosexuality, indulgence, eating pork and shellfish, adultery, envy, and hating your asshole neighbor. Weed is okay with all of those things. The only sin against weed is not sharing.

10. God flies you into building, weed flies you to the nearest White Castle.

99 reasons you shouldn't ignore the protest of the 99%--99-51

99. As of 2008, 1 in every 99 Americans is in jail. We incarcerate more citizens than any other country in the world.

98. 98% of Americans make less than $250,000 a year, yet perpetuating the Bush tax cuts for the rich under the guise of wanting a less meddlesome government is fought for vigorously by lobbied Congressman and the Tea Party. Despite claims that a higher top tax rate would hinder small businesses, only 2% of small business owners would even be affected by the Buffet rule or expiration of Bush tax cuts. 

97. 97% of scientists believe in man-made global warming despite constant conservative rejection of the concept in concert with the interest of oil companies. It is predicted that 1 in every 10 species could face extinction by 2100 and recent data from MIT suggests that Artic ice is thinning 4x faster than previously believed.

96. Despite constant Conservative scrutiny and attack Medicare has proven to be a more accurate payer than private insurance at 96%. 

95. 95% of Americans are getting poorer every year.

94. 94% is the percentage of terrorists that are NOT Muslim extremists. Contrary to this fact, conservative media had no problem falsely attributing the right-wing Christian extremist Anders Breivik's mass murdering spree in Norway to Muslims in the beginning.

93. In the first quarter of 2010, BP posted a profit of $93 million a day after spending $16 million in lobbying in 2009.  However, this profit margin was too small to avoid taking shortcuts that led to the Gulf spill which took 87 days to get under control and many years to clean up.

92. A $92 million contract was awarded in Blackwater in 2007. Earlier that month, the group was responsible for the fatal shooting of 11 Iraqi civilians.

91. In a study from 1984-2006 of 91 cities in the U.S., a correlation was found between alcohol store density and violent crime rates among youth. Despite this finding, the government continues to prevent those who could benefit from medicinal marijuana from procuring it, while alcohol is stocked on the shelves. Could it be that The Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America spent $260,000 lobbying Congress in the second quarter of 2010?

90. Kenneth Melson, Chief of the ATF, resigned recently due to the fact his "Fast and Furious" gun policy led to 90% of the arms used by drug cartels to be from the U.S.

89. 89% of people view home ownership as part of the "American Dream." However, a record 2.87 million properties got notices of default, auction or repossession in 2010.

88. Since 2009, 88% of income growth has gone to corporate profits, with only 1% going to wages.

87. Georgia's Arizona-ish immigration law, House Bill 87, left Georgia farmers 11,000 workers short of what was needed to operate.

86. Insurance companies gave the U.S. Chamber of Commerce $86.2 million in premium dollars to “oppose the health-care overhaul law." This money went to undermine health reform and the bill that would provide 32 million uninsured Americans with coverage in 2010.

85. The Koch brothers have contributed $85 million dollars to 85 right-wing think tanks to oppose government regulation, protect the interest of big business, and perpetuate their massive wealth totaling over $44 billion collectively.

84. Viacom chief executive Philippe Dauman topped the corporate payrolls last year, bringing in a total of $84.5 million

83. In the 1940s, 83 people in Guatemala died after being forcibly injected with STDs without consent to study the effects of penicillin. They ranged from prisoners, to sex workers, to psychiatric patients.

82. 82% of Americans believe Congress should take a pay cut until debt deal is reached. Not sure the 44% that are millionaires can handle the cut from $174,000.

81. In Veil: The Secret Wars of the CIA 1981–1987, Bob Woodward unravels the Iran-Contra affair in which the Reagan administration, headed by Oliver North, sold arms and drugs to Iran to fund support for the Contras in Nicaragua. North was charged with a variety of felonies and charged with three. He was later granted immunity and is currently a host of a Fox News television show.

80. In the 1980s, Saddam Hussein's Iraq was the 3rd largest recipient of U.S. aid, which included $40 billion under Reagan to oppose Iran, mostly on credit.

79. Rep. Mike Pompeo received $79,500 from Koch Industries to push for the rejections of amendments recognizing the reality of climate change, despite the fact 97% of scientists believe in man-made climate change. So much so that Dr. James Hansen of NASA was arrested at the White House for protesting the Keystone XL tar sands pipeline.

78. The average sentence for a crack cocaine offense in 2002 (119 months) was more than three

years greater than for powder cocaine (78 months), targeting African Americans. 

77. The JPI analysis of recent United States Justice Department data showed that over the past 20 years, the nonviolent prisoner population has increased at a rate much faster than the violent prisoner population, and that 77% of the people entering prisons and jails were sentenced for nonviolent offenses. This is correlated to the increase in private prisons. 

76. Apple Inc. has about $76 billion in cash on hand. That's more available funds than the U.S. government.

75. In the 1930s, about 75% of the people going to prison were white (consistent with national demographics). Today, minorities represent 70% of new inmates. 


74. 74% of Americans support ending tax cuts and credits for gas and oil industries.

73. Between 2002-2009 the U.S. private prison population has grown by 73% while lobbying has increased by 165%. 

72. 72 percent of Americans think that taxes should be raised on those earning more than $250,000.

71. In America, mortality rates for 18 procedures are 71% lowers at top-rated hospitals. 

70. 70% of employees cannot access domestic partnership benefits. 

69. In 2002, the average prison term of 105 months for African Americans was 69% longer than the average of 62 months for whites.

 68. With the $1.2 trillion spent on war since 9/11 America could have provided 20.68 million students with Pell grants of $5,500 every year for 10 years.


67. Young adults (aged 16-29) have a total employment rate of 55.3 % which is down from 2000 at 67.3%.

66. 66% of Americans agreed that birth control should be provided by insurance companies at no additional cost. 

65. There is projected to be 65 million more obese adults in the U.S. by 2030. 

64. 64% of jailed male inmates have no violent offense history and 82.4% are not jailed for a violent offense.

63. A CNN poll found that 63% of Americans wanted higher taxes on the rich to be included in the Super Committee's debt deal. 

62. 75% of scholarships go to white students, despite them only making up 62% of the college student population. 

61. According to disclosure forms filed at the end of July, 61 lobbyists and 5 lobbyist-linked political committees donated $137,650 to Mitt Romney's campaign between Jan. 1 and June 30.

60.  Our government is operating on the lowest revenue in 60 years. 

59. In August, corporate cash holdings had grown 59% to $1.12 trillion since 2008.  

58. 58% of Americans want a third party. 

57. Only 57% of Americans use all of the vacation they're entitled to, in contrast, 89% of the French use all of their vacation. 

56. According to NAS-based measures, over 56 million Americans live in poverty.

55. Agnus-Reid shows that 55% of America support legalizing marijuana. 

54. A study conducted in 54 nations, to be published in the upcoming issue of Psychological Science, shows that a more progressive tax system makes people happier. 

53. 53% of black 4th grade boys cannot read at the basic level. 

52. Only 52.4% of sentenced prisoners in state prisons at the end of 2008 were in for violent crimes.

51. 51 million Americans live with extended family.

The Occupation: The Overlying Problems

1. The first problem we need to address is that the canon of capitalism is not to create jobs or hand out benefits. Adam Smith's "invisible hand" in the 1700s, which later became the basis of Reagan's "trickle-down economics" of the 1980s and beyond, was an utter failure. Repeating the failures of history has become a trend in America where the most costly war is against drugs after the disaster of the Prohibition in the 1920s. However, capitalism is about unrestricted profit increase, not benefits, jobs, or the welfare of the laboring class that allows for excess. Capitalism isn't completely nefarious though; it exploits our competitive nature to drive innovation. Having said that, if it goes unregulated, or is self-regulated (even scarier), profit will take precedence over rights, quality of product, equality, benefits, job creation, safety, and flourishing of the country as a whole. So what we are attacking is not several small problems in concert: the Drug War, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Troy Davis's execution, racism, bigotry, corporate interest, etc. What we are fighting against is the unrestricted capitalism and corporate lobbying that is at the heart of each one of these issues.

2. Another problem we must address before the floodgates of revolution are opened is the belief instilled in us from our first recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance that America is the greatest country in the world, cannot be made any better, and questioning this clause is unpatriotic, if not treasonous. A wise man, whether it was Paine, or Jefferson, or Lindsay, said, "...dissent is the highest form of patriotism." We need people to realize you can support the troops without supporting the wars, you can support your country without supporting the operation of the government as it stands today, you can have your demands heard without lobbying with money.

3. This isn't a global crisis of government failure, but this is a global crisis of morality. We allow the least among us--the greedy, under-evolved resource hoarders--to dictate and control what we eat, what we need in our homes, who we can elect to represent us, where we can live, what we can do in the comfort of our own homes, and even who we can love. We are misdirected by being allowed to exercise democracy and choice on small matters: which house we want to buy (that will most likely later be taken away), which supermarket to go to, which TV show to watch. However, when it comes to matters we should be able to choose on, what really effects us, our democracy is ripped from beneath our feet. We have more choice on Dancing with the Stars or who the next homecoming king should be than who our president should be.

4. Our pleas have not been heard by our current government, for those that we aim to reform own the government with lobbying. That is why our pleas have to turn into demands. Boycotts, lock-downs, protests, rallies--the same tactics used by the party of the Corporation, the Tea Party, that are having such a profound impact on the media and Republican primaries. Merely using our democratic vote is vastly insufficient on changing this country when corporations can lobby Congress, while nobody is lobbying for our interests and needs. In a democracy, the power is in the hands of the voters, but this isn't a democracy anymore is it? This is an oligarchy. The power is in the hands of the elite. We can't lobby with money, threats of cutting jobs, or hiking up prices, but we can lobby with the one advantage we hold over the ruling class--numbers.

Why Rick Perry Ought not Consult the Bible on Foreign Policy: 3 Events God Wish He Had Back

When discussing Obama's foreign policy regarding the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Rick "Straight Outta Nazareth" Perry took a direct stance regarding where his loyalties lie. He said, "As a Christian, I have a clear direct to support Israel..." In 2009, he also asserted, "My faith requires me to support Israel." Although at face value these statements seem benign, God doesn't have the best track record when it comes to foreign policy. Here are 3 time periods God might have considered trying over (don't know why he didn't if he's outside of spacetime, Michael J. Fox did and he can't even drink hot tea) when directing his "chosen people."



3. Egypt

Although the details are a little shady and non-Biblical sources don't really support the account of the Hebrew Bible concerning Hebrew enslavement in Egypt, apparently the Jews hung out there for a while. It started off pretty standard, the Notorious G.O.D. starved his people with famine so they had to migrate to Egypt. After they were there for a while the Egyptians were like, "Hey wtf?" so they enslaved the Jews. After the Jews hung out and built some shit (probably not) or did the Egyptians' accounting or something, God decided it was time for a change of plans. Here comes Moses all high and mighty with his beard bringing a bunch of plagues so that the Pharaoh would "Oh, Oh let his people go, na na." Finally, after Pharaoh was like "You must be trippin'" God was like, "Hide ya kids, hide ya wife" and sent an angel to kill all the firstborn sons of those that didn't put the blood of the sheep they just fucked over the doorway (they were Welsh Jews). Ironically, this is eerily similar to what Herod would eventually do when he heard about the possible birth of Jesus, like creation like Creator, I guess. Well it all turned out good for the Jews that "chose" to be protected. Well, not really, they spent the next 40 years wandering in the desert after they escaped and had to feed on magic bread that sprouted out of the ground (mushrooms, dumbasses).

2. Babylon

There were these crazy smart astrologically inclined dudes that sat around and smoked pot, until one day they decided that everyone else sucked and needed to be conquered (pot makes you violent, just watch Reefer Madness). So they saw some Jews and started throwing rocks at them which was standard in that time. Judah was conquered, the Temple was destroyed, and the Babylonians adopted the Arizona laws and exiled most of the Jews. Apparently it wasn't so bad though, because when the Persian, Cyrus "the Virus" The Great started snappin' necks and cashin' checks he allowed the Jews to leave and rebuild the Temple, but most stayed put.

1. Alexander the Great

Alexander the Great wasn't great because he was large, or menacing, or intimidating, it is because he renamed the civilized world "My Bitch." Now, the Jews had a history of either fighting back or taking it up the ass. When Alexander came marchin' in, they bent over faster than a Marcus Bachmann client. Fortunately, Alexander loved a good butt fuck as much as the next man, so he allowed the Jews to be autonomous as long as they paid taxes. Like a woman trying to justify staying in an abusive relationship just glad she doesn't have to explain her black eyes at work, they took it to the next level and named all of the children born the next year "Alexander" (I told you this dude was a BAMF). After Alexander died, Ptolemy and Seleucus got into a border dispute that ended up ravaging the Jewish community, but I think they'd gotten used to it by now. It wasn't the fact that they were overtaken by Alexander that is so peculiar, but rather the fact despite being favored by God, they weren't naming any of their first-born children "Godathan" or anything.

3 Craziest Creation Myths/Stories/Explanations

When I was browsing the net trying to find the funniest stories of the Creation of the Universe so I could relentlessly mock the intelligence of the proprietors and think to myself their parents didn't love them because they were so stupid (run-on to say the least), I constantly came across the use of the term "myth." Not to be outdone by my brethren, I googled the word:

a traditional or legendary story, usually concerning some being or hero or event, with or without a determinable basis of fact or a natural explanation, especially one that is concerned with deities or demigods and explains some practice, rite, or phenomenon of nature.
 

I thought that was kind of interesting, but then it got a little hazy for me (the weed didn't help). If there is no determinable basis of fact or natural explanation, who determines what is then merely a legendary or traditional story from what is an accepted story, in particular when referring to Creation? Well, obviously culture does. Ralph "Where's" Waldo Emerson said, "The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next." When looked at objectively, if someone presented 5 different stories of the creation of the world: 4 from previous cultures and 1 from the accepted Christian explanation of the Creation of the Universe, could an unbiased subject determine which would be the most logical and accepted? I have my doubts.

Unfortunately, a less teleological explanation isn't any fun to talk about. I mean who cares about quantum fluctuations, quasars, black holes, supernovas, entropy--those are all other words I'd be required to look up and I just refuse to do so. So here are some kooky, spooky, and down right douchebaggy Creation stories:

3. Adam and Eve

Young Earth Creationists and Christians that literally interpret the Bible as God-breathed, dick-down-your-throat truth have taken it upon themselves to take humanity back to the Bronze Age with the belief that the Universe is indeed not 13.7 billion years old, but rather about 5-10,000 years in its current state. Now, you'd think the rejection of essentially all scientific consensus, the fact tools were being fashioned around 1.2 million years ago, there is 10,000 year old coral, abundance of early hominids, the Göbekli Tepe is around 11,000 years old, would all be radical. However, roughly half of America pledges allegiance to Young Earth Creationism. Today. In 2011. No I'm not fucking with you. If you exclude all of the self-proclaimed Christians with a cross right under their barb-wire tat who've never really given any thought into what they believe, but sure love telling you that you should, the total drops down to like 4%. Excluding child molesters, down to 2%. The last 2% are former Branch Davidians and scientists that couldn't pass Physics 101 so joined the seminary.

 

Despite the fact that this myth is highly improbable due its inability to explain, well, basically all of history before 10,000 years ago and evidence of evolution, the actual story is even more batshittier.

When I was younger, the idea of an explosion of gaseous exchange and subsequent planet formation just wasn't a fulfilling explanation of the origin of the Universe. Unfortunately, I believed that an old guy with an axe on a cloud screaming "Off with their heads!" whenever one of his created beings disobeyed his unwritten orders was sufficient. The Christian story of Creation is in no way unique. It is similar to Near Eastern Creation stories, but for the purpose of this post, we'll not get into the details right now.



2. Atum the Creator


Egyptian creation stories weren't entirely conclusive. There were different explanations associated with different gods, and for the most part, the Egyptians just wanted to figure out the their place in the world, in particular the cosmos.

Basically the story of Atum starts with a swirling chaos of nothingness or somethingness-depending on how you interpret beingness. Atum being the bad Mamma Jamma that he was, created Himself out of his "thoughts"----MIND FREAK! He was basically the Higgs Boson. No but really, this is story quickly turns into some quantum nonlocal, spacetime defying bullshit. He, who was not, still had the mental capacity to create himself with the thoughts he didn't have. While you wrap your heads around that shit, I'll move on. So Atum didn't have a place to stand, so where he wanted to stand he created a hill. How the fuck he even knew what a hill was is beyond me, but this is the same guy who created himself with his thoughts like fucking David Blaine so I'm not gonna ask too many questions.

This is where shit heats up. Now Atum is often referred to as the great "He-She" because it was a bisexual. I originally thought I accidentally clicked on the Rupaul Wikipedia page. It clearly becomes apparent that our ancestors were gender-confused, because kind of like God having sex with his mom to have his Son that was also him while his mom remained a virgin, they sort of just concluded that Atum was the created source because he had sex with himself and shit just happened. From someone who personally has manual sex with himself, I can say creating a Universe is a highly unlikely outcome. Unless you count the mound of crusty hand towels next to my bed.



But wait, he wanted more gods. So he mated with his shadow (apparently that is where I've gotten confused in trying to create universes through masturbation---hands are a no-no). Blah, blah, blah so he spit out his son then vomited out his daughter......what? What kind of patriarchal bullshit is this? He vomited out his daughter? We still haven't even established if this guy has digestive organs and he's throwing shit up? Well anyway, the kids get lost in the waters, Atum takes out his eye to find them, he does, he cries, men sprout up from the tears, everyone's happy, then they do what humans do best, murderface each other.

3. Popul Vuh

Due to the coming of the end of b'ak'tun 13, everyone is obsessed with the Mayans (although some scholars believe the calendar ended a couple hundred years ago). People love doomsday theories because having to do shit sucks, and if death is imminent, work really isn't necessary. That's why Harold Camping got so many people to follow him despite the fact he looked like Dumbo if his ears got shot up with Viagra. I swear the SETI program should get a hold of those things, they could pick up radio waves from virtually anywhere in the universe. Anyway, I doubt so many people would take the Mayans so seriously if they really had any knowledge of their belief in the creation.

So the first father, who had some goofy Mayan name, was walking towards the mouth of a cave. These real mean underworld god's who just got their cars repossessed got together and invite him to come play some hoops. He goes down there (apparently wasn't very bright) where the gods snip off his dome. The Mayans, obviously not very familiar with anatomy or physiology (as if the Christian Creation story falls within the constraints of science), believed that one of the daughters of the gods walked up and like Al Snow was like, "What up, head?" So the head spits on her and of course that knocks her up. So she then gives birth to the Hero Twins.

Now these guys grow up to be underworld party-crashing, little baby seal stomping, sodomizing you with ears of corn badasses. Think if Kevin Sorbo had babies with Starla from Napoleon Dynamite, badass. So naturally they want to seek revenge against the gods who killed their salivary father. They challenge them to a game, kick their asses, then perform some necromancy on each other. So the gods want in. Instead of bringing the gods back to live, however, they bring Papa Head back from the Dead (rhyme). So the father's alive, they head up, he grabs an ear of corn, the Hero Twins become the Sun and Moon, and the dad becomes the God of Corn. Which didn't come up again until he was mentioned as "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" in Children of the Corn. The rest is history and corn has randomly appeared in our shit ever since.


 

Conservative Jesus - 10 changes in Biblical History

Conservatives fucking love Jesus. Michele Bachmann mentions "God" more than the pope and Rick Perry even held a prayer rally to ask for mercy for the direction of this country (to no avail as made apparent by God igniting Texas--I'm sure Perry is blaming the "flamers", though). Conservatives love Jesus like Nancy Grace loves hearing there's a new dead white girl to make her relevant.

I've always wondered about the association between conservatism and Christianity. "Conservative Christian" always seemed like an oxymoron to me. I mean, I don't think Jesus would support any war, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't advocate cutting entitlement programs to pay for tax cuts for the rich, last time I checked he didn't take a hard stance on homosexuality, and I doubt he'd revoke social liberties considering he turned some water into Jungle Juice or whatever at that wedding. It becomes pretty clear that the only thing conservatism and Christianity have in is blind allegiance to dogmatic beliefs completely void of corroborating evidence.

It all makes one wonder what it would be like if Jesus really was a Conservative. What would he have been like? Would he drown puppies? Here are 10 things that would have changed about Jesus if he was a Conservative.

1. Jesus cured the sick and healed the lame. If it was covered by their insurance policy.

2. Jesus turned water into wine. Then sold the patent to a pharmaceutical company and they sold it to children as an anxiolytic. 

3. Jesus told Zaccheus, "Get down from that tree and give half of everything you own to Goldman Sachs..... and punch a baby seal."

4. After being arrested by Roman soldiers, Jesus raised an army to rape and pillage nearby cities.

5. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for if they think they're going to get something sweet once they die they won't oppose their exploitation in this one." And also, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for we'll treat them like the children of Pakistan."

6. Jesus loved the little children, but not enough to prevent him from cutting out the music program in public schools to pay for the war against non-believers.

7. When Jesus fed the 5,000 he gave all of the food to the richest 5 followers and expected it to trickle down to the rest.

8. Jesus preached that faith was like a mustard seed. Because you can make a shit ton of money off of both if you sell them to peasants.

9. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. After gaining notoriety, he privatized faith healing so he and his disciples could get new H2's (I think they're that old.)

10. Jesus told his disciples, "Take up your cross and follow me." Followed by, "On my cue, drop that shit and shoot some fuckin' Muslims."