The 2011 Reprisal of the Apostle's Creed

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I believe in God(s),
the Father Almighty,
the Ty Pennington of Heaven and Earth,
and in Jesus Christ his son, father, subordinate, superior, and equal,
who was conceived of the consolidation of many different early Christian cults and Mediterranean polytheistic deities,
born of the Emperor Constantine,
suffered under the interpretation and translation of thousands of scribes,
was crucified, died, and the events that followed are disputable based upon the four separate Gospels, their numerous conflicting copies, and the quotation of Aramaic in Greek and translation into my native tongue,
he descended into hell--or the place he lovingly sends you regardless of your morality if you don't profess faith in him,
on the third day,
he rose again from the dead to spend several shitty movies avoiding Ving Rhames,
he ascended into heaven assuming heaven is a cosmological body outside of our solar system--likely in a quasar,
and is seated at the right hand of the father, who is also his son, and himself,
from there he will come to judge those that wear corduroy, Wal-mart polos, and Crocs,
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
The chronic molestation by the Catholic Church,
The Communion of Transubstantiated blood that totally isn't creepy to drink,
The forgiveness of sins that don't involve Islam,
The Resurrection of the Mel Gibson,
and life everlasting where being comfortable in my poverty and consumerism will pay off.
No men.

10 Reasons why Marijuana is better than Jesus

Let's be honest. Jesus is a motherfucker. Jesus=God=Holy Spirit who impregnated Mary, Jesus's mother=Jesus. Jesus is a motherfucker. But that has nothing to do with this post at all, does it? I actually think Jesus was a pretty chill cat, y'know. He sort of ironically reminds me of Tommy Chong mixed with the Dos Equis guy and late John Lennon. However, some pretty un-rad things have been done in he name of Jesus and as Herman Cain recently reinforced, there's a demographic that aligns him with the conservative movement that undermines everything he taught. The God of the Bible on the other hand, Jesus's sidekick, pappy, subordinate, and superior, was kind of a dick. He was just like my last 13-year-old girlfriend. Jealous, you have to call him every day, greedy, gold-digger, if you don't worship him he eternally damns you to torture and combustion. You know, standard 13-year-old girl stuff.

Christians have developed an uncanny ability to ignorantly spew hatred and disgust without reason. I blame Kirk Cameron. In thousands of years of use, marijuana has never been directly linked to any deaths by overdose. Even when adjusted for possible related deaths such as use in car accidents that number is well below 50 in America. This pales in comparison to acetaminophen (Tylenol): ~450, heroin: ~8,000, alcohol: ~75,000, prescription drugs: ~100,000, tobacco: ~450,000, medical mistakes: ~750,000, or seeing Nancy Grace's boob pop out on DWTS: ~27,000,000. 

However, Christian conservatives don't attack any of those other, dramatically more deadly compounds or problems. Well, I want to avoid getting political and into why weed is illegal: originally because it threatened the timber industry, how it today threatens the pharmaceutical, alcohol, and tobacco industries, how there are an array of federal agencies that wouldn't be able to maintain funding without marijuana being illegal, or the mass amount of wealth and influence drug cartels have accrued. However, outside of being illegal, there isn't a logical explanation why conservative Christians directly attack illegal drugs, in particular marijuana, but advocate the use of alcohol in moderation. I assume they're okay with alcohol; Jesus turned water into Four Lokos or something like that.

Evolutionarily, religiosity may very well be a detailed mating strategy that is upset by recreational drug use. This is still hypocritical considering the advocacy of alcohol use, even in religious ceremonies. Especially considering alcohol is associated more with reduced inhibitions and hedonism. I'm not aware of any mainstream religions using psychedelics in rituals, either.....anymore.


Anyway, it becomes apparent that if you want to be a good Christian, you have an ultimatum. You either have to choose drugs or God (although judging by his hair, beard, progressive ideology and those he associated with, I think Jesus may have chosen drugs---if he wasn't  the personification of a sacred mushroom himself). Marijuana is the easiest drug to condemn due to its availability, widespread use, and association with the expansion of the mind and questioning established social constructs. Here are 10 reasons I think you should choose weed over God :

1. Weed burns itself, not you.

2. Weed is a plant that makes you feel good; God makes you feel bad because some chick ate a plant.

3. Millions have been killed under the influence of God, damaging the free market. Millions of Cheetos have been bought under the influence of weed, fueling the capitalist economy.

4. It took God 6 days to create the universe. It takes weed 5 minutes for you to doubt that.

5. For God you have to pick up your cross and follow him. For weed, you roll it into a cross and get twice as high.

6. God encourages you to fast. Weed convinces you that might not be the best idea.

7. To God, Communion is crappy wine and yeastless bread. To weed, it's a 40 and a box of Dunkaroos.

8. God tells you to clothe the homeless. Weed goes the extra step and can actually be made into clothes for the homeless.

9. God condemns your sins, including pre-marital sex, homosexuality, indulgence, eating pork and shellfish, adultery, envy, and hating your asshole neighbor. Weed is okay with all of those things. The only sin against weed is not sharing.

10. God flies you into building, weed flies you to the nearest White Castle.

99 reasons you shouldn't ignore the protest of the 99%--99-51

99. As of 2008, 1 in every 99 Americans is in jail. We incarcerate more citizens than any other country in the world.

98. 98% of Americans make less than $250,000 a year, yet perpetuating the Bush tax cuts for the rich under the guise of wanting a less meddlesome government is fought for vigorously by lobbied Congressman and the Tea Party. Despite claims that a higher top tax rate would hinder small businesses, only 2% of small business owners would even be affected by the Buffet rule or expiration of Bush tax cuts. 

97. 97% of scientists believe in man-made global warming despite constant conservative rejection of the concept in concert with the interest of oil companies. It is predicted that 1 in every 10 species could face extinction by 2100 and recent data from MIT suggests that Artic ice is thinning 4x faster than previously believed.

96. Despite constant Conservative scrutiny and attack Medicare has proven to be a more accurate payer than private insurance at 96%. 

95. 95% of Americans are getting poorer every year.

94. 94% is the percentage of terrorists that are NOT Muslim extremists. Contrary to this fact, conservative media had no problem falsely attributing the right-wing Christian extremist Anders Breivik's mass murdering spree in Norway to Muslims in the beginning.

93. In the first quarter of 2010, BP posted a profit of $93 million a day after spending $16 million in lobbying in 2009.  However, this profit margin was too small to avoid taking shortcuts that led to the Gulf spill which took 87 days to get under control and many years to clean up.

92. A $92 million contract was awarded in Blackwater in 2007. Earlier that month, the group was responsible for the fatal shooting of 11 Iraqi civilians.

91. In a study from 1984-2006 of 91 cities in the U.S., a correlation was found between alcohol store density and violent crime rates among youth. Despite this finding, the government continues to prevent those who could benefit from medicinal marijuana from procuring it, while alcohol is stocked on the shelves. Could it be that The Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America spent $260,000 lobbying Congress in the second quarter of 2010?

90. Kenneth Melson, Chief of the ATF, resigned recently due to the fact his "Fast and Furious" gun policy led to 90% of the arms used by drug cartels to be from the U.S.

89. 89% of people view home ownership as part of the "American Dream." However, a record 2.87 million properties got notices of default, auction or repossession in 2010.

88. Since 2009, 88% of income growth has gone to corporate profits, with only 1% going to wages.

87. Georgia's Arizona-ish immigration law, House Bill 87, left Georgia farmers 11,000 workers short of what was needed to operate.

86. Insurance companies gave the U.S. Chamber of Commerce $86.2 million in premium dollars to “oppose the health-care overhaul law." This money went to undermine health reform and the bill that would provide 32 million uninsured Americans with coverage in 2010.

85. The Koch brothers have contributed $85 million dollars to 85 right-wing think tanks to oppose government regulation, protect the interest of big business, and perpetuate their massive wealth totaling over $44 billion collectively.

84. Viacom chief executive Philippe Dauman topped the corporate payrolls last year, bringing in a total of $84.5 million

83. In the 1940s, 83 people in Guatemala died after being forcibly injected with STDs without consent to study the effects of penicillin. They ranged from prisoners, to sex workers, to psychiatric patients.

82. 82% of Americans believe Congress should take a pay cut until debt deal is reached. Not sure the 44% that are millionaires can handle the cut from $174,000.

81. In Veil: The Secret Wars of the CIA 1981–1987, Bob Woodward unravels the Iran-Contra affair in which the Reagan administration, headed by Oliver North, sold arms and drugs to Iran to fund support for the Contras in Nicaragua. North was charged with a variety of felonies and charged with three. He was later granted immunity and is currently a host of a Fox News television show.

80. In the 1980s, Saddam Hussein's Iraq was the 3rd largest recipient of U.S. aid, which included $40 billion under Reagan to oppose Iran, mostly on credit.

79. Rep. Mike Pompeo received $79,500 from Koch Industries to push for the rejections of amendments recognizing the reality of climate change, despite the fact 97% of scientists believe in man-made climate change. So much so that Dr. James Hansen of NASA was arrested at the White House for protesting the Keystone XL tar sands pipeline.

78. The average sentence for a crack cocaine offense in 2002 (119 months) was more than three

years greater than for powder cocaine (78 months), targeting African Americans. 

77. The JPI analysis of recent United States Justice Department data showed that over the past 20 years, the nonviolent prisoner population has increased at a rate much faster than the violent prisoner population, and that 77% of the people entering prisons and jails were sentenced for nonviolent offenses. This is correlated to the increase in private prisons. 

76. Apple Inc. has about $76 billion in cash on hand. That's more available funds than the U.S. government.

75. In the 1930s, about 75% of the people going to prison were white (consistent with national demographics). Today, minorities represent 70% of new inmates. 


74. 74% of Americans support ending tax cuts and credits for gas and oil industries.

73. Between 2002-2009 the U.S. private prison population has grown by 73% while lobbying has increased by 165%. 

72. 72 percent of Americans think that taxes should be raised on those earning more than $250,000.

71. In America, mortality rates for 18 procedures are 71% lowers at top-rated hospitals. 

70. 70% of employees cannot access domestic partnership benefits. 

69. In 2002, the average prison term of 105 months for African Americans was 69% longer than the average of 62 months for whites.

 68. With the $1.2 trillion spent on war since 9/11 America could have provided 20.68 million students with Pell grants of $5,500 every year for 10 years.


67. Young adults (aged 16-29) have a total employment rate of 55.3 % which is down from 2000 at 67.3%.

66. 66% of Americans agreed that birth control should be provided by insurance companies at no additional cost. 

65. There is projected to be 65 million more obese adults in the U.S. by 2030. 

64. 64% of jailed male inmates have no violent offense history and 82.4% are not jailed for a violent offense.

63. A CNN poll found that 63% of Americans wanted higher taxes on the rich to be included in the Super Committee's debt deal. 

62. 75% of scholarships go to white students, despite them only making up 62% of the college student population. 

61. According to disclosure forms filed at the end of July, 61 lobbyists and 5 lobbyist-linked political committees donated $137,650 to Mitt Romney's campaign between Jan. 1 and June 30.

60.  Our government is operating on the lowest revenue in 60 years. 

59. In August, corporate cash holdings had grown 59% to $1.12 trillion since 2008.  

58. 58% of Americans want a third party. 

57. Only 57% of Americans use all of the vacation they're entitled to, in contrast, 89% of the French use all of their vacation. 

56. According to NAS-based measures, over 56 million Americans live in poverty.

55. Agnus-Reid shows that 55% of America support legalizing marijuana. 

54. A study conducted in 54 nations, to be published in the upcoming issue of Psychological Science, shows that a more progressive tax system makes people happier. 

53. 53% of black 4th grade boys cannot read at the basic level. 

52. Only 52.4% of sentenced prisoners in state prisons at the end of 2008 were in for violent crimes.

51. 51 million Americans live with extended family.

Why Rick Perry Ought not Consult the Bible on Foreign Policy: 3 Events God Wish He Had Back

When discussing Obama's foreign policy regarding the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Rick "Straight Outta Nazareth" Perry took a direct stance regarding where his loyalties lie. He said, "As a Christian, I have a clear direct to support Israel..." In 2009, he also asserted, "My faith requires me to support Israel." Although at face value these statements seem benign, God doesn't have the best track record when it comes to foreign policy. Here are 3 time periods God might have considered trying over (don't know why he didn't if he's outside of spacetime, Michael J. Fox did and he can't even drink hot tea) when directing his "chosen people."



3. Egypt

Although the details are a little shady and non-Biblical sources don't really support the account of the Hebrew Bible concerning Hebrew enslavement in Egypt, apparently the Jews hung out there for a while. It started off pretty standard, the Notorious G.O.D. starved his people with famine so they had to migrate to Egypt. After they were there for a while the Egyptians were like, "Hey wtf?" so they enslaved the Jews. After the Jews hung out and built some shit (probably not) or did the Egyptians' accounting or something, God decided it was time for a change of plans. Here comes Moses all high and mighty with his beard bringing a bunch of plagues so that the Pharaoh would "Oh, Oh let his people go, na na." Finally, after Pharaoh was like "You must be trippin'" God was like, "Hide ya kids, hide ya wife" and sent an angel to kill all the firstborn sons of those that didn't put the blood of the sheep they just fucked over the doorway (they were Welsh Jews). Ironically, this is eerily similar to what Herod would eventually do when he heard about the possible birth of Jesus, like creation like Creator, I guess. Well it all turned out good for the Jews that "chose" to be protected. Well, not really, they spent the next 40 years wandering in the desert after they escaped and had to feed on magic bread that sprouted out of the ground (mushrooms, dumbasses).

2. Babylon

There were these crazy smart astrologically inclined dudes that sat around and smoked pot, until one day they decided that everyone else sucked and needed to be conquered (pot makes you violent, just watch Reefer Madness). So they saw some Jews and started throwing rocks at them which was standard in that time. Judah was conquered, the Temple was destroyed, and the Babylonians adopted the Arizona laws and exiled most of the Jews. Apparently it wasn't so bad though, because when the Persian, Cyrus "the Virus" The Great started snappin' necks and cashin' checks he allowed the Jews to leave and rebuild the Temple, but most stayed put.

1. Alexander the Great

Alexander the Great wasn't great because he was large, or menacing, or intimidating, it is because he renamed the civilized world "My Bitch." Now, the Jews had a history of either fighting back or taking it up the ass. When Alexander came marchin' in, they bent over faster than a Marcus Bachmann client. Fortunately, Alexander loved a good butt fuck as much as the next man, so he allowed the Jews to be autonomous as long as they paid taxes. Like a woman trying to justify staying in an abusive relationship just glad she doesn't have to explain her black eyes at work, they took it to the next level and named all of the children born the next year "Alexander" (I told you this dude was a BAMF). After Alexander died, Ptolemy and Seleucus got into a border dispute that ended up ravaging the Jewish community, but I think they'd gotten used to it by now. It wasn't the fact that they were overtaken by Alexander that is so peculiar, but rather the fact despite being favored by God, they weren't naming any of their first-born children "Godathan" or anything.

Conservative Jesus - 10 changes in Biblical History

Conservatives fucking love Jesus. Michele Bachmann mentions "God" more than the pope and Rick Perry even held a prayer rally to ask for mercy for the direction of this country (to no avail as made apparent by God igniting Texas--I'm sure Perry is blaming the "flamers", though). Conservatives love Jesus like Nancy Grace loves hearing there's a new dead white girl to make her relevant.

I've always wondered about the association between conservatism and Christianity. "Conservative Christian" always seemed like an oxymoron to me. I mean, I don't think Jesus would support any war, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't advocate cutting entitlement programs to pay for tax cuts for the rich, last time I checked he didn't take a hard stance on homosexuality, and I doubt he'd revoke social liberties considering he turned some water into Jungle Juice or whatever at that wedding. It becomes pretty clear that the only thing conservatism and Christianity have in is blind allegiance to dogmatic beliefs completely void of corroborating evidence.

It all makes one wonder what it would be like if Jesus really was a Conservative. What would he have been like? Would he drown puppies? Here are 10 things that would have changed about Jesus if he was a Conservative.

1. Jesus cured the sick and healed the lame. If it was covered by their insurance policy.

2. Jesus turned water into wine. Then sold the patent to a pharmaceutical company and they sold it to children as an anxiolytic. 

3. Jesus told Zaccheus, "Get down from that tree and give half of everything you own to Goldman Sachs..... and punch a baby seal."

4. After being arrested by Roman soldiers, Jesus raised an army to rape and pillage nearby cities.

5. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for if they think they're going to get something sweet once they die they won't oppose their exploitation in this one." And also, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for we'll treat them like the children of Pakistan."

6. Jesus loved the little children, but not enough to prevent him from cutting out the music program in public schools to pay for the war against non-believers.

7. When Jesus fed the 5,000 he gave all of the food to the richest 5 followers and expected it to trickle down to the rest.

8. Jesus preached that faith was like a mustard seed. Because you can make a shit ton of money off of both if you sell them to peasants.

9. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. After gaining notoriety, he privatized faith healing so he and his disciples could get new H2's (I think they're that old.)

10. Jesus told his disciples, "Take up your cross and follow me." Followed by, "On my cue, drop that shit and shoot some fuckin' Muslims."

America: An Exceptional Country

At the recent CNN Tea Party debate, an exchange between Ron Paul and Rick Santorum took place that caught my attention. Santorum generated a healthy applause from the Tea Party crowd with his argument for American Exceptionalism as the blame for what happened to us on September 11, 2001.  He wanted to emphasize that he had no intentions of being "ashamed" of standing for this principle. Ron Paul earnestly tried to appeal to the crowd by citing the blatant description of why America should be demonized left by Bin Laden. However, not unlike his fellow conservatives, Rick Santorum, in a feeble attempt to remain relevant a moment longer, called upon the ignorant, yet effective Tea Party dogma of blindly pledging allegiance to preconceived notions despite contradictory evidence. So the crowd cheered wildly and as a child boldly stating he has the toughest dad in the neighborhood, refused to repudiate that America is anything but the greatest country in the world.

Of course, if you'd ever question this belief you are unpatriotic, possibly treasonous, and probably socialist. Why would we ever question what we've been taught to believe since our first recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance? Haven't we always been purveyors of peace, solace in a cruel world, tools of freedom, exceptional? What is it that makes us so exceptional? The greatest country in the entire world?

It MUST be our exceptional healthcare system! We came in 37th in the last WHO rankings and have the highest per capita spending. We came in 41st in infant mortality, but that's out of almost 200! There are 200,000 preventable deaths from medical error annually in the United States, but that's just because these doctors are worried about "frivolous" lawsuits from victims' families, as Herman Cain pointed out at the most recent debate. At least our pharmaceutical companies' needs are being adequately met in Congress. They should be with the amount in excess of $230,000,000 they contributed to Congress in 2010. Well, maybe the Michigan jobs plan will cut state assistance for 30,000 children to perpetuate tax cuts for big businesses, but it says in 2 Thessalonians 3:10, "let them that will not work, not eat." So what if senior citizens are fighting for Medicare with the fear conservative budget cuts will rob them of the ability to acquire services and medication. They'll be gone soon anyway, right?

Well, okay, if it's not our superb healthcare, it has to be our stern, but fair American justice system. It is highly effective as 1 in 99 Americans is incarcerated and with just 5% of the world's population, we house 25% of the world's prisoners. We're so tough on crime that over half of federal prisoners are in for drug crimes with the majority (72% of all prisoners convicted) being non-violent. Not only that, but we're cracking down increasingly hard on those drug peddling minorities as time served by African American drug offenders has increased by 73%, while increasing 28% for whites. We've even merged prisoner incarceration and rehabilitation with capitalism in the private prison industry. If that doesn't scream "AMERICA!" I'm not sure what does. Maybe the U.S. has a firearm death rate more than twice that of the next highest country among industrialized nations, but that's just because we don't get pushed around. If you don't take that threat seriously, Rick Perry drew quite the applause when discussing the 235th death row inmates in Texas executed under his governing, which is more than any other modern governor.

So the case could be made that we have some issues with our justice system. At least there's no denying the power and candor of our free market economy! The invisible hand of capitalism allows those that work hard to thrive as the wealth trickles down in benefits to those that assist in the attainment of profit! The fact that we have more income disparity than the Ivory Coast and Pakistan just proves that our system works, right? I mean, it's only natural that many of the conservative presidential candidates are squawking about eliminating minimum wage, that only holds back growth. Why would the president want to cut taxes for working families with his jobs plan when there are perfectly good corporations that are hitting all-time highs in profits that need more cuts for a little boost. The first cuts obviously just weren't enough to coerce these reputable companies into improve wages or creating new jobs. More is always better! Big deal if half of the country only owns 2.5% of the wealth, that's just a testament to the American Dream; they must not have wanted it enough. The richest 400 Americans' wealth has quadrupled while their taxes have nearly halved in the past 12 years. This is a clear example of American exceptionalism and rewarding success, right? Billionaires can have a lower tax rate than their secretaries because their secretaries clearly aren't creative and resourceful enough. The average college student graduating with $24,000 in debt is merely a motivational technique to inspire graduates to strive for something better. The high levels of depression among college graduates is just proof most aren't up to the task. American exceptionalism is why Americans work more hours than any other industrialized country and take few vacations.

As if that wasn't conclusive evidence of American exceptionalism, it has to be our representative government's protection of its citizens. The rejection of Hurricane Irene relief funding was a hard stance and calling for citizens to rally and help each other without government spending. The $50 billion in GOP-approved funds to repair Iraq's infrastructure was an excerpt from the compassionate, heart-warming tale that is the American government's functioning. Maybe there was a time when Operation Northwoods was proposed to fake terrorist attacks on U.S. targets at home to generate support for Cuban opposition, but that was a different age. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Attacking the EPA has EVERYTHING to do with corporate interest, because "corporations are people" as clarified by Mitt Romney. The FDA may have approved Vioxx and Celebrex that have killed tens of thousands despite the fact that the clinical studies were faked, but that was just a case of misinformation, right? We've had our fair share of that in this country. Even though the Global Commission on Drug Policy  has urged for drug policy reform focusing on decriminalization or even legalization, the fact that we've ignored this request is a testament to our commitment to business. It reveals that illicit drug dealers are as effective lobbyists as pharmaceutical companies. We aren't so different, you and I. Maybe there are 4000 different chemicals in cigarettes including 51 known carcinogens that are linked to over 400,000 deaths annually in America, but this is the land of choice, right?

On second thought, I have no doubt Rick Santorum is completely right in his belief: America IS exceptional. Exceptionally hollow where freedom, democracy, and equality should be.