Why I'm an Atheist

Why am I an atheist? I always regarded this as sort of a whimsical inquiry. Before responding, I usually prompt the questioner to answer why he or she is a Christian, Muslim, Jew, etc. Why I am an atheist isn’t all that exciting, it’s not due to some atrocity after which I abandoned god. It’s not because I grew up in Finland, Sweden, or Japan – all highly industrialized countries with much less inequality than the U.S., better healthcare than the U.S., higher quality of life than the U.S.,  less crime than the U.S., and consequently less religion than the U.S.  People are often interrogated as to how they could possibly deny the existence of an omnipotent, omniscient deity.  If I had been asked, “Why are you a Christian?” 5 years ago, I’d probably feed you a line about how I’ve read the Bible and believe it to be true as it has had real impact in my life and I have a personal relationship with Jesus. However, is that really true, or some regurgitated drivel I listened to every Sunday? I don’t remember ever having a conversation with god in which he answered me. However, shouldn’t I have come to expect that? If everything is predestined, if god knows what I’ll do before it happens and his Will is going to be done no matter what, why would I expect my prayers to have an effect?

 So why are you religious? Could it be because your parents were? Could it because you were indoctrinated by culture? If you had grown up in Iran would you still be a Christian? If you were raised in the Bible Belt would you still believe Allah was true god? How audacious of you to believe out of all of the thousands of religions ever developed that only yours was correct! Do you ever wonder if god is timeless why your religion wasn’t the first to come into being? Does that mean all religions are indeed true, but just with different names and stories? I’m sure you probably don’t believe that, so are you ready to accept that if only one is true, you should expect damnation because of the vast numbers? If you objectively take a quest into the origins or your religious belief and affiliation, it’s likely to generate some stimulating self-monologue.

 Although in the current state of faith in the world and this country atheism is the idiosyncratic, aberrant position, it should be very clear why someone is an atheist. Deviance does not always presuppose radicalism. When the heliocentric universe was proposed by Copernicus, he was undoubtedly deviant, but the beginning of the death of our egocentrism was by no means radical, it was rational. Believing someone who loves you will damn you to hell for not worshipping them, being so arrogant as to believe your life is so important that it survives death or as Einstein put it, "feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotisms.", restricting the rights of women, homosexuals, and sexual liberality because of an interpretation of a book that is thousands of years old before we had any real knowledge about biology, chemistry, and physics—and if you’ve actually read it we had no sense of morality either—are all the drastic positions.

 Unwavering faith is not something that should be valued, but discouraged. As Nietszche put it, “One walk through a mental institution proves that faith means nothing.” There are two types of belief: faith and hope. Religion is based on blind faith – disregarding scientific advancement, logic, and fact for the sake of the perpetuation of the belief system. Science is built on hope in theory. These theories often leave the “believer” humble as they are in a constant state of revision and scrutiny. Religion thrives in the gaps of science. The problem with religion is those gaps are rapidly disappearing with our innovation. I simply believe that enough gaps have already been filled to disregard the concept of messiahs, creators, parthenogenesis and life after death. One of the things that irritates me most is the notion that science somehow has the task of and consciously tries to disprove religion. Science does what every rational being should do. It disregards religion. Science is unbiased; it has no dogma to appease to, only to ascertain truth. If your belief system is not in consonance with scientific findings, the burden lies with your religion, not with science. Do you ever wonder why in nearly every religion nothing is more insidious than the human acquisition of knowledge? Why were Adam and Eve condemned for trying to learn? Why are women kept from books in many Islamic areas? If we were created with this perennial drive to understand, why is it condemned by our creator? Is it frightening that this same glorified ignorance was what allowed imperialism and abuse to flourish?  Education has been the Achilles heel of every exploitative regime in history.  So in a sentence, I am an atheist because I yearn for truth.  Okay, one more. I am an atheist because not only is religion improbable, but also rather than easing suffering it has caused more than any other ideology in the world’s history, which is not hard to believe considering it flourishes in regions where suffering is highest. How could you possibly pledge allegiance to a belief system whose perpetuation relies on the concept of evil and the world’s ultimate destruction at our hands? Is there hope in that? The more you know, the more you come to know: The world is unquestionably becoming a better place to live in as time progresses. This completely undermines scripture. So why does religion flourish in areas where agony and discontent are ubiquitous?

 “God is the concept by which we measure our pain.” – John Lennon

E=MCsaved

          According to a Christian who I’m sure doesn’t allow his religious affiliation to infringe upon his commitment to academic and intellectual honesty, Francis Collins, the director of the National Institute of Health, one of the most convincing pieces of evidence in the divinity of Jesus was that he professed being God, while nobody else in all of history made that claim. Well, that’d be true if it were, but it’s not. Francis Collins was too busy trying to explain transubstantiation through quantum mechanics and looking at shiny things in store windows to give me an interview; I’ll do my best to try to reconcile his statement with historical accuracy.

                                                        
                                  I reckon I want some French fried potaters

Christianity has been renowned in this country for protecting scientific progress and technological evolution--excuse me, technological creation—to provide plausible explanations for historically infallible events such as 9 million species-sailboat rides and crazy, drunken wedding reception tricks. It goes without saying that Christianity has been THE leader in unequivocal fact-finding like the love child of Sir Isaac Newton and Indiana Jones, but only if it wasn’t gay. I’d have mentioned a male and woman, but women don’t necessarily have the best track record when it comes to the acquisition of knowledge in the Bible. Not to point fingers at any three-letter named biblical characters. Whore.

            So what was Collins talking about?  Collins really meant that everyone who’s ever claimed to be God was actually Jesus! As I’m sure Mr. Collins has a variety of different acronyms after his name, we’d do best to fully accept everything he says and not ask any questions to avoid being enveloped by his highly sophisticated “smart guy” biblical jargon--using terms like “predestination” and “no, it’s only gay if we make eye contact.”

Mainstream Christians don’t typically consider David Koresh or Sai Baba Gods, so taking their word for it, there must be a difference between those claiming to be God today, and those in the past. Wait! That’s it! As time progresses, the “Jesusiness” of those claiming to be God is diluted! Maybe the Jesus of the Bible isn’t the Roger Moore of being Jesus. The Gods today are just less Jesusy! There’s only so much Jesus that can go around, you know. After all, he did only feed 5,000 and what are the odds they’d end up with an even 5 grand?

So the only rational conclusion we can draw is that time is like Jesus Kryptonite. Since the dawn of time, Jesuses have been endowed with a set of attributes separating them from the rest of mankind, which we’ll now refer to as the Prerequisite Repertoire of Every Truly Essential Necessity in a Deity, or PRETEND.  Here it is illustrated in a chart:

  

It’s clearly displayed that the PRETEND of each Jesus decreases as a function of time. This clears up any confusion over the contestation of the divinity of some of the newer Messiahs, like with Koresh. As Collins eloquently stated, David Koresh, professing his own divinity, must truly be God in human form. However, because of his late appearance in the Jesus timeline, his PRETEND was so low that it’s no wonder many Christians were as unconvinced as with obvious liberal ploys to facilitate eugenics and abortion like global warming and the female orgasm.

Even if Koresh did have a little Jesus in him, the problem we had with him is ubiquitous in Jesusic history. We keep fucking killing our Jesuses! From the first parthenogenic conception, we’ve had an uncanny and at times morbidly creative ability to cunt punt any old chap with a Chuck Darwin beard and the heart of a Hugh Grant. He’s just the type of guy you know tells you you’re beautiful after you do it.  

So what do we do? Well, to form the most comprehensive understanding of PRETEND, we have to look throughout history and find the oldest, boldest, turn-the-other-cheekiest son-of-a-bitch we can. Even before the biblical Jesus. With our ability to notice PRETEND, we can spot the next Jesus in our midst before we seal our fates like Marie Antoinette when she didn’t send that spooky Hotmail forward to 10 of her friends.

3. Zoroaster

Zoroaster lived between 6000 BC and 100 BC and like the biblical Jesus, had a beard that rivaled basically anyone who died in the Skynyrd crash. In addition to being immaculately conceived, being baptized in a river, beginning his ministry at age 30, curing the sick and healing the blind and all those insignificant details, he also dropped the –aster and had a short career as a vigilante, inspiring the Zoro franchise. Pretty Jesusy, but we can find more PRETEND.

                                        Can’t you see? What that woman Lord, she been doin’ to me?

2. Attis of Phrygia

Around 200 B.C. the story of Attis appeared: Attis was purportedly born of a virgin on December 25^th.  He was slain for the benefit of mankind and his followers ate his body. He was both the divine Father and Son and was crucified on a tree on “Black Friday.” We can look past the fact he was a tree-hugger because apparently his blood ran down to redeem the entire earth. On top of all that he looks like Robin Hood and that makes me smile.  Early Christians often quarreled with Attis’s followers about the authenticity of their Jesus…. If they had only known.

                                    I just can’t be bothered with anything on Arbor Day

1. Horus

Will the Real Slim Jesus please stand up? Born of the virgin Isis. Boom. Begotten Son of the God Osiris. Boom. Birth in a manger and soon after birth an attempt on his life was made by Herut (sounds like Herod, right?). There is a gap in his history from ages 12-30 after which he was baptized by a guy who would later be beheaded. He did all the walk on water/cast out demons typical Jesus act, but what separates Horus from the rest of the pack was that he was worshipped well over 3,000 years before Jesus was born and he totally ran interference on this guy Set who was trying to blow his load on him and threw his semen in the river. Then, in a just fucking totally Jesus move, he came all over Set’s fav. food, lettuce, to exert his dominance over him and because he also thought vegans were douchebags.

                                         Popularized the mascot head before Lee Corso was even born

Now that we have a Jesus prototype, we have all the tools we need to recognize the next Jesus before it’s too late. But until that time, we must do as Edmond Dantes instructed, “Hope and wait….and vote Rick Santorum.”

Jesus: God of the Gaps

 

Science. Religion. Graduated cylinders. Chalices. There has long been a war waged between scientists and the religious right in America about the other keeping its greasy fingers in its own respective field.  In what ways is science applicable to religious experience, if at all? As Sam Harris believes, is religion merely a “failed science?” Does God really not play with dice, or did he just misuse his time on the 6^th day in Vegas, resulting in gross negligence in the Creation that he would eventually have to damn the majority of to eternal torture in hell…because…he loves them? These battles are merely misinterpretations of scientific theory and data. Religion and technology are not at ends! Was it not Jesus that said, “Be off you brood of snipers!” while playing Modern Warfare 3? Was it not Jesus that demonstrated the Casimir effect in walking on water? Was it not Jesus who got a little crazy one night with his buddy Lazarus after watching Flatliners in exorcist school?

There is plenty of room for Jesus in science because science is still filled with gaps. Sure, you can throw a theory into a gap to temporarily satisfy yourself, but self-satisfaction sounds a lot like masturbation, so don’t. As we traverse the scientific landscape, we become more and more cognizant of the need for Jesus. The gaps are ugly holes. Holes that need to be filled with substance, not abstract theory. Holes that need to be filled with Jesus. What gaps do I speak of? Well, here are a few.

1.       Hidden variables

Entangled particles are capable of some pretty whacky shit. We know that entangled particles seem to be able communicate instantaneously, so that when you measure the spin of one, the other is simultaneously spun in the opposite direction (spin anti-correlation). This communication violates the universal speed limit of light, leaving two possibilities: the concept of locality is flawed, or there is some sort of hidden variable, such as Einstein proposed. A variable we have no knowledge of. A variable we’ve never seen. A variable we feel is there in our hearts. A variable called Jesus.

2.       Origin of the Universe

Because only speculate what propagated the Big Bang at this point, we can’t be positively certain about the events that led to the beginning of our Universe. Was it some intersection between branes? Are we part of a multiverse, born of a parent universe? Does the principle of natural selection apply to the Universe? Is time infinite, but the Universe ends in a Big Crunch, restarting the entire process and giving credence to the ideology of eternal recurrence? Or was Jesus playing baseball in the cosmos and created a singularity when making contact with the baseball…sending the Universe on a course of expansion…FOR..EEVVEE..ERRR!

3.       Dark Energy

~95% of matter and energy in our Universe is not normal energy-matter at all; it is dark matter and energy. At this point they these “dark” substances are merely hypothetical and we are yet to determine their exact roles in universal expansion and cohesion. Sounds like something Satan would cook up to me! Who is he in a constant cosmic battle with again? Oh yeah, Jesus!

4.       Placebo Effect

The placebo effect refers to the phenomena of statistically significant changes in a study participant even when they were not administered the active substance. How can someone show an improvement in symptoms of a disease when given a sugar pill? Sounds like Jesus is in control to me!

5.       Cancer

Sure the body has natural mechanisms for preventing unrestricted cell division, but sometimes these processes go awry. Why does this happen? What is tumor-necrosis factor? What are carcinogens? Who cares! There’s something more insidious happening here! Jesus punishes you for smoking! Don’t do it! You got prostate cancer for fucking that hooker! Stop!

6.       Epilepsy

Epilepsy is a phenomenon when a person goes into wild seizures for no apparent reason. Has to be a demon! Jesus cast out demons! Jesus!

7.       Schizophrenia

That guy keeps talking to himself! He says he doesn’t have control over his thoughts and actions! Drill a hole in his head! Let the demons out! Jesus!

8.       Crop Failure

I had a bad harvest this year. There’s going to be a famine in our village! She’s a witch! She cursed my crops! Send her to hell! Jesus!

9.       Malaria

Little kids all over are dying. Jesus loves the little children! Jesus hates malaria! Malaria is from Satan! Fuck you malaria! Go Jesus! Pray! Your artesunate is useless against them!

The human propensity to predict its environment has led to some pretty outlandish claims until science has successfully debunked them. Gaps in science are no more living rooms for Jesus than are rumors of miracles. Just as pandemics, mental disorders, and tragedies of all classes have been given religious significance, the same happens today. Can you not see the trend? Never have these pseudo-scientific fallacies stood the test and rigorous scrutiny that is the scientific method. Using the mystery of certain fields such as quantum mechanics to explain religious dogma is as irresponsible as using the supernatural to explain observed phenomena. Ultimately, if you believe in an omnipotent god, whether you believe the Bible to be allegorical and scientific theory to be valid is irrelevant. You still believe that there is a cosmic being with control over every quark, present in quantum foam, controlling matter. Therefore, either by negligence or allocation, this deity or force is the source of all of these ailments and mysteries, whether you accept the science behind them or not.

Chances are, you’ve never built a cell phone and most of your explanations as to how one can type a few numbers on a screen in New York and converse with a friend in L.A., as if he or she were right in front of you, would be left wanting. However, I doubt you can find many Christians that still believe Jesus sends a carrier pigeon with a microphone across the country.

I think it’s a safe assumption to say that many of you don’t fully grasp the concept of sending an e-mail to the other side of the world in seconds, and even as you most likely Google the process after you finish reading this, you’ll still be trusting the explanation of someone much more qualified than you on the subject.

Perhaps the millions that were killed by false theories based on religious dogma would have wished their society would have waited for the smart people to figure shit out.

a good old fashioned wake and bake

10 Reasons why Marijuana is better than Jesus

Let's be honest. Jesus is a motherfucker. Jesus=God=Holy Spirit who impregnated Mary, Jesus's mother=Jesus. Jesus is a motherfucker. But that has nothing to do with this post at all, does it? I actually think Jesus was a pretty chill cat, y'know. He sort of ironically reminds me of Tommy Chong mixed with the Dos Equis guy and late John Lennon. However, some pretty un-rad things have been done in he name of Jesus and as Herman Cain recently reinforced, there's a demographic that aligns him with the conservative movement that undermines everything he taught. The God of the Bible on the other hand, Jesus's sidekick, pappy, subordinate, and superior, was kind of a dick. He was just like my last 13-year-old girlfriend. Jealous, you have to call him every day, greedy, gold-digger, if you don't worship him he eternally damns you to torture and combustion. You know, standard 13-year-old girl stuff.

Christians have developed an uncanny ability to ignorantly spew hatred and disgust without reason. I blame Kirk Cameron. In thousands of years of use, marijuana has never been directly linked to any deaths by overdose. Even when adjusted for possible related deaths such as use in car accidents that number is well below 50 in America. This pales in comparison to acetaminophen (Tylenol): ~450, heroin: ~8,000, alcohol: ~75,000, prescription drugs: ~100,000, tobacco: ~450,000, medical mistakes: ~750,000, or seeing Nancy Grace's boob pop out on DWTS: ~27,000,000. 

However, Christian conservatives don't attack any of those other, dramatically more deadly compounds or problems. Well, I want to avoid getting political and into why weed is illegal: originally because it threatened the timber industry, how it today threatens the pharmaceutical, alcohol, and tobacco industries, how there are an array of federal agencies that wouldn't be able to maintain funding without marijuana being illegal, or the mass amount of wealth and influence drug cartels have accrued. However, outside of being illegal, there isn't a logical explanation why conservative Christians directly attack illegal drugs, in particular marijuana, but advocate the use of alcohol in moderation. I assume they're okay with alcohol; Jesus turned water into Four Lokos or something like that.

Evolutionarily, religiosity may very well be a detailed mating strategy that is upset by recreational drug use. This is still hypocritical considering the advocacy of alcohol use, even in religious ceremonies. Especially considering alcohol is associated more with reduced inhibitions and hedonism. I'm not aware of any mainstream religions using psychedelics in rituals, either.....anymore.


Anyway, it becomes apparent that if you want to be a good Christian, you have an ultimatum. You either have to choose drugs or God (although judging by his hair, beard, progressive ideology and those he associated with, I think Jesus may have chosen drugs---if he wasn't  the personification of a sacred mushroom himself). Marijuana is the easiest drug to condemn due to its availability, widespread use, and association with the expansion of the mind and questioning established social constructs. Here are 10 reasons I think you should choose weed over God :

1. Weed burns itself, not you.

2. Weed is a plant that makes you feel good; God makes you feel bad because some chick ate a plant.

3. Millions have been killed under the influence of God, damaging the free market. Millions of Cheetos have been bought under the influence of weed, fueling the capitalist economy.

4. It took God 6 days to create the universe. It takes weed 5 minutes for you to doubt that.

5. For God you have to pick up your cross and follow him. For weed, you roll it into a cross and get twice as high.

6. God encourages you to fast. Weed convinces you that might not be the best idea.

7. To God, Communion is crappy wine and yeastless bread. To weed, it's a 40 and a box of Dunkaroos.

8. God tells you to clothe the homeless. Weed goes the extra step and can actually be made into clothes for the homeless.

9. God condemns your sins, including pre-marital sex, homosexuality, indulgence, eating pork and shellfish, adultery, envy, and hating your asshole neighbor. Weed is okay with all of those things. The only sin against weed is not sharing.

10. God flies you into building, weed flies you to the nearest White Castle.

Conservative Jesus - 10 changes in Biblical History

Conservatives fucking love Jesus. Michele Bachmann mentions "God" more than the pope and Rick Perry even held a prayer rally to ask for mercy for the direction of this country (to no avail as made apparent by God igniting Texas--I'm sure Perry is blaming the "flamers", though). Conservatives love Jesus like Nancy Grace loves hearing there's a new dead white girl to make her relevant.

I've always wondered about the association between conservatism and Christianity. "Conservative Christian" always seemed like an oxymoron to me. I mean, I don't think Jesus would support any war, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't advocate cutting entitlement programs to pay for tax cuts for the rich, last time I checked he didn't take a hard stance on homosexuality, and I doubt he'd revoke social liberties considering he turned some water into Jungle Juice or whatever at that wedding. It becomes pretty clear that the only thing conservatism and Christianity have in is blind allegiance to dogmatic beliefs completely void of corroborating evidence.

It all makes one wonder what it would be like if Jesus really was a Conservative. What would he have been like? Would he drown puppies? Here are 10 things that would have changed about Jesus if he was a Conservative.

1. Jesus cured the sick and healed the lame. If it was covered by their insurance policy.

2. Jesus turned water into wine. Then sold the patent to a pharmaceutical company and they sold it to children as an anxiolytic. 

3. Jesus told Zaccheus, "Get down from that tree and give half of everything you own to Goldman Sachs..... and punch a baby seal."

4. After being arrested by Roman soldiers, Jesus raised an army to rape and pillage nearby cities.

5. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for if they think they're going to get something sweet once they die they won't oppose their exploitation in this one." And also, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for we'll treat them like the children of Pakistan."

6. Jesus loved the little children, but not enough to prevent him from cutting out the music program in public schools to pay for the war against non-believers.

7. When Jesus fed the 5,000 he gave all of the food to the richest 5 followers and expected it to trickle down to the rest.

8. Jesus preached that faith was like a mustard seed. Because you can make a shit ton of money off of both if you sell them to peasants.

9. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. After gaining notoriety, he privatized faith healing so he and his disciples could get new H2's (I think they're that old.)

10. Jesus told his disciples, "Take up your cross and follow me." Followed by, "On my cue, drop that shit and shoot some fuckin' Muslims."

5 Things in the Bible More Unnatural than Homosexuality

Rights of homosexuals have gained ground in recent months with the passage of the marriage law in New York, but religious unreason has again taken its toll and just like an ignorant, scientifically illiterate Lernaean Hydra, whenever one gay couple gets married, three homophobic guys with pitch forks and Leviticus sprout up. In my next blog post I'll be addressing the issue of homosexuality and its justification not only from a scientific perspective, but even from a Christian perspective, completely void of any scientific justification or rationale so it makes sense.


If you've ever talked to a religious nutjob (don't include Kirk Cameron, when I see him I'm speechless) it becomes appallingly apparent their arguments are futile and usually based around 2 claims. 1. Homosexuality is wrong because the Bible says so (you know, that old book god-breathed by an omipotent creator full of forgeries and softcore porn), and 2. Homosexuality is unnatural.


Well, debunking that first argument is much easier than you'd probably think. It just involves gritting your teeth and actually opening this best-seller to read a little bit of it. In Leviticus 18:22, we are told, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."


That's a pretty bold claim and seems pretty straightforward. Sorry Dick Simmons, you're going straight to hell, or Canada, or whatever happens. However, what Christians usually fail to note is that "abomination" was referencing a ceremonial law and something that was "forbidden, and unclean" not something that was "going to send you straight to Satan's cabana in Acapulco." If you recall, Jews were forbidden from eating pork, but last time I checked it was just a bunch of fat, pro-lifers getting McGriddles at 10:27 AM.


If you think about it for 10 seconds (something Christians have failed to do on numerous occasions when interpreting their holy book) you could also see why homosexuality would object a ceremonial law and be called "unclean."


 1. Jews of the day were all about propogating their bloodline. Remember Onan, who spilled his semen on the ground? Well, God used his death ray on Onan for not shooting his pimp juice in some ho because it was a waste. Homosexual acts aren't the greatest at increasing pregnancies.


2. When considering male on male, Brokeback Mountain sex, it becomes apparent why homosexuality could have been viewed as "unclean." The vagina is a self-cleaning oven, the anus is a poop bakery. Get it? But "higher chance of spread of disease" and "wrong" aren't the same thing. Last time I checked Christians were big shaking hands, don't they know only 77% of men wash their hands? Timmy the altar boy is just hoping Father Joe is one of those 77%.


Okay so we get that this whole "abomination" business has definitely been taken out of context. But Webster's isn't on the top leading list for the religious because neither Sarah Palin nor Max Lucado wrote it, so what are some other things in Leviticus we need to be looking out for?



Cattle Mixing

Don't let cattle graze with other kinds of Cattle (Leviticus 19:19)  - see segregation is totally cool, it's in the Bible

Fashion

Don't wear clothes made of more than one fabric (Leviticus 19:19) - especially if hemp is one of those

Parenting

Any person who curseth his mother or father, must be killed. (Leviticus 20:9) - don't know if that includes Hogwarts students

Mommy Dearest

If a man sleeps with his father's wife... both him and his father's wife is to be put to death. (Leviticus 20:11) - incest is best when Mommy says yes - Oedipus the King

Three-Ways - The Dutch Door Rule

If a man sleeps with his wife and her mother they are all to be burnt to death.  (Leviticus 20:14) - something tells me it would be worth it, though

Sexy Preacher's Daughter

If a priest's daughter is a whore, she is to be burnt at the stake.  (Leviticus 21:9) - look she was hot, I didn't know it would get her killed

Tolerance

People who have flat noses, or is blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God (Leviticus 21:17-18) - Moses seemed kind of lame to me

What about outside of Leviticus?

Religious Tolerance

They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.  (2 Chronicles 15:12-13) - wait, I thought only Muslims were murderous?

Townies

 Suppose a man or woman among you, in one of your towns that the LORD your God is giving you, has done evil in the sight of the LORD your God and has violated the covenant by serving other gods or by worshiping the sun, the moon, or any of the forces of heaven, which I have strictly forbidden.  When you hear about it, investigate the matter thoroughly. If it is true that this detestable thing has been done in Israel, then that man or woman must be taken to the gates of the town and stoned to death.  (Deuteronomy 17:2-5) - Ancient Alien theorists watch out

Working on the Sabbath

The LORD then gave these further instructions to Moses: 'Tell the people of Israel to keep my Sabbath day, for the Sabbath is a sign of the covenant between me and you forever.  It helps you to remember that I am the LORD, who makes you holy.  Yes, keep the Sabbath day, for it is holy.  Anyone who desecrates it must die; anyone who works on that day will be cut off from the community.  Work six days only, but the seventh day must be a day of total rest.  I repeat: Because the LORD considers it a holy day, anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death.'  (Exodus 31:12-15) - I'm all for taking a day off, actually

Okay, okay, so there's some pretty wild stuff in the first few books of the Bible. But JEWS wrote that, I mean come on, right? We totally don't have to pay attention to crazy talk like that after Jesus came...well unless that includes homosexuality. Just another example of Christians being ignorant of their own book and cherry-picking text for their own xenophobic and fear-based agenda.

Well even if the Bible may be a little fuzzy in places, homosexuality is totally unnatural. Even the Apostle Paul (whose Epistles were mostly forged) talked about how bad and unnatural homosexuality was in the New Testament!!!! I mean who cares that at least 1500 species have been documented to engage in homosexuality and we even know Bonobos do it for conflict resolution and lions do it for establishing pride alliances (no wonder they hired Elton John for the Lion King). There is just something inherently wrong about homosexuality, that's why it grosses people out so much (unless you're in prison).

Well this is totally out of place but whenever I can do a Marcus Bachmann shout-out, nobody's going to stop me. - study on homophobic men being most aroused by gay porn: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-big-questions/201106/homophobic-men-most-aroused-gay-male-porn

So here are 5 things in the Bible more unnatural than homosexuality:

5. The Wise King Solomon

Well, if you remember King Solomon, he was the son of King David, the guy in that statue with a little dick. If you recall his plight, God told him he could wish for whatever he wanted, but instead of riches, wives, or an H2 he asked for wisdom to lead his people. Because he was so heartset on helping God's people, God hooked him up and he was Oprah rich. Unfortunately, he had the financial sense of MC Hammer and blew most of his dough on building a giant temple--sound familiar Church?

Why was he unnatural? Well despite what your mommy tells you about pre-marital sex and polygamy, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Those numbers could make Wilt Chamberlain blush. This isn't unnatural because he wasn't monogamous, but becuase the guy got more poon than Rasputin. There's no way you could deal with that many wives and not accidently leave the basement door open and trip them down the stairs when you were walking through the hallway. No Bible, you're wrong. It may have felt like he had 700 wives, but Solomon didn't. I'm calling bullshit.

4. Balaam and Spanking Dat Ass

Apparently, Balaam was some mean guy. I'm talking like really mean, like a cross between Hitler and Bill O'Reilly. He tried throwing some curses at God's people, but God ran interefence on that nonsense and shut him down. God would've been the best wingman ever. Anyway, Balaam went to go set out to do his deal against God's will, but his donkey wouldn't go forth. Balaam must not have had his Starbucks because everyone knows when a donkey's being stubborn it's because an angel is in the way. So Balaam starts smackin' that ass like Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

What's so unnatural about this?

Well, apparently the donkey had enough of this whole weird sadistic game Balaam was playing so he's like, "Don't whip me, bro." So they reconcile their differences, Balaam sees the angel, and they all live happily ever after. It's an okay story, but if I wanted to see a talking ass I'd watch Glenn Beck re-runs.

3. Moses and the Burning Bush

So Moses did some pretty standard stuff. Led God's people out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea, made a wicked pot of French Roast, unleashed deadly plagues on Egyptians, whatever. Before all that completely normal and indisputable stuff happened, Moses went up to Mt. Horeb and had a little chat with God.

Come on, there's no way Moses did anything unnatural, right?

Well I'm afraid so readers. When Moses went up to Mt. Horeb, he encountered a burning bush. I'm not talking about the, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" bush. I'm saying there was an actual bush on fire and it was just burning, burning. Well, obviously the bush had something to say. So Moses received the command to tell Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall, or something like that. Either way shit got weird.

2. Samson

Samson, Sampson, Shimson, the guy has more names than Gadaffi. Anyway, during the period where the loving God of the Israelites punished them with genocide and torture in the hands of the Philistines, there was this lady who was told to abstain from alcohol and not let the kids drink. Apparently she wasn't German because she actually accomplished this. She was also told not to let her child cut his hair or shave. God was a big post-The Village Joaquin Phoenix fan.

What was so weird about this?

Well eventually this child, Samson, grew up and had unparalled strength. He as no Hulk Hogan, but he could wrestle lions and destroy entire armies with the hindparts of donkeys. However, despite his unsual strength, he obviously wasn't the sharpest Jew in the Bible. Delilah, his honeybuns, performed some tests to find the source of his strength because the Philistines hired her after having enough of this madness. Samson finally told her that it was all in his hair, and she hired a servant to cut it. After being captured by the Philistines and blinded, Samson prayed for one last feat of strength and tore down an entire temple, killing more in death than he ever did in life.

1. Jesus Rising From the Dead

28 Days Later, I'm happy for you and all, and I'ma let you finish, but The Bible has the best zombie story of ALL TIME YA'LL! Jesus did some wild stuff, in fact, when I'm trying to come up with crazy shenanigans, he's usually the first person I go to. He turned water into wine, raised Lazarus from the dead, walked on water, killed a fig tree, fed 5,000 people with a $10 gift card to Applebee's, and many other amazing things.

Yeah, so Jesus did some unnatural stuff. What was the most unnatural?

Umm...try rising from the dead after 3 days, chumps. Am I the only one that was waiting for Will Smith and his german shepherd to pop out at the end of that story? The guy gets crucified by his dad, betrayed by his friends, locked in a tomb. Why the hell would you want to come back from that? I'm convinced he just left the tomb because he didn't want to put up with the women whining on the 3rd day. Did you catch how Thomas was afraid that Jesus was a ghost, but perfectly cool with the fact he was a zombie? I don't know about you, but if there is a zombie apocalypse, maybe we should start thinking about that Jesus might not be on our side.